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2006-12-08 - 12.34am (urgh!) previous entry next entry
Long waffle, response to advice, etc...
I'm still here! Sooooooooooooo much to write about (or so it feels) and I'm so behind, and I really wanted to thank people and comment, etc, on the comments that were left for me after my last entry. Boys have been very wakeful for the last week at least, and it has been hard to find time in my evenings to do things online, especially the clattery typingness of a diary update. Here's hoping nobody will be disturbed by it tonight!
I'll have to be much more brief than I wanted to be on some of the stuff I was going to waffle on about for aaaages (you know me!), and maybe throw in the odd bullet point thingy just so that something-or-other that I meant to talk about gets a mention, before it gets too late. I have a headache and it's already 9.30 so I can't write as much as I'd hoped tonight. Also still haven't had dinner so that will mean even less time left to write here! Better get on with it!
Thank you all so much for the comments and support re. the discipline issues with Arthur from my last entry. Thank you Valerie for the great links - I have bookmarked them all and will read the pages when I get the chance! Thanks also to Jemma and Fiona for the more detailed suggestions - don't worry about leaving 3 messages Fiona! I felt completely deflated after reading the first one so was glad of the other two when I saw them!
I must try those fish oil supplements for Arthur (thanks for the reminder, Jeannie!) - Jemma, would you mind passing on the link to the place you got Jaya's again? Thanks!
I did just want to comment on some of the helpful suggestions that were made though, because maybe I am not writing enough detail about the way I handle things with Arthur in general. Most of the suggestions in the comments are things I already do, believe it or not. I guess I don't write about them because the impression seems to be that I don't do them, or that I should consider trying them, etc. I do a LOT of distracting and redirecting with Arthur. I communicate with Arthur verbally a LOT over things that I want/don't want him to do. I put myself in his shoes a lot of the time.
That time at the park, I did see it from Arthur's perspective. I knew he wanted to stay and it wasn't his fault that I had to hurry him to go. I felt bad that I was doing that long before it got to the smack, because I already had my feet in his shoes and knew it wouldn't feel fair from his point of view. But he HAD to come, despite all that. We were getting soaked and Matthew desperately needed to get home for a feed and a proper nap. It was my fault that it had gone so wrong but at that stage it couldn't be helped and he still had to come. I think I DID mention in that diary entry that I had tried explaining, being playful, distracting him, etc, before it got more pressing and I ended up smacking him, but I would like to explain that I had actually spent the previous twenty minutes being cheery and patient and sensitive with him as I tried to get us going in the direction of the car (when I started to wonder if it might rain and Matthew began to get grizzly). I did all the verbal things I could think of to make the transition easier. I explained that we had to go soon, and why, I acknowledged that he was having fun but that we would come again another day. I gave him time as we walked back. I didn�t constantly insist that he hurry up � sometimes I stopped and let him dawdle or talked to him about this leaf or that tree that he was looking at. I didn�t want to seem pushy ALL the way back, and I was trying to be sensitive to him over that. I played games of running and hiding with him whilst pushing the pushchair to get us moving that bit faster in the right direction, which had him laughing and squealling with the fun of it. I gave him a ton of "in ___ minutes, it will be time to..." warnings (which I do all the time, by the way, advanced warning - for all sorts of things - I read a book (Supernanny, I think) that suggested that for toddlers a while back). I tried distractions, like talking enthusiastically about what we'd do in the car or when we got home, to try to motivate him. It's hard work to keep all the effort coming for those things when you're also keeping one eye on your increasingly miserable baby and another on the increasingly stormy clouds ahead, and you don't FEEL cheerful or enthusiastic, you just want the kid to do as you're asking and hurry up so we can all go home! But I did put in the effort, and I felt dreadful that in the end we were all standing in the pouring rain, nowhere near the car, and Matthew screaming in huge distress, and I ended up having to choose between smacking Arthur to MAKE him do as I asked of him, or standing in the rain till he felt like moving. I just can't think of anything else I didn't try at that point. I felt crushed to get somewhat "condemned" for it after all that, as though I had not considered the positive parenting things that I tried so hard with for 20 minutes in the first place, till I had no time left to pursue them any longer.
BUT, I only say all that to just respond to some of the comments, and I guess to explain myself, to stand up for myself a little. I greatly appreciated the positive comments and suggestions. I especially took from Fiona�s comments the need to be more POSITIVE with Arthur. I am a kind and positive mummy, but when I stopped and looked at my parenting lately, I can see that I have started to let the positive-ness slide a little. It was helpful to be reminded of that, and I acted on it straight away. It�s hard to keep it up day after day when I am so so so tired all the time and Arthur never has a quiet or mischief-free moment, it seems! When it comes to the times when I am feeding Matthew upstairs and Arthur gets up to mischief downstairs, I have tried explaining and talking with him many times. I always tell him that I�m going upstairs to feed Matthew, or �settle� Matthew (I started saying that one time when I wondered if he was acting up BECAUSE I had said I was going to feed him), and I always try to settle him with a toy or something good and distracting before I go. I usually set him up with his Duplo farm, or his toy cars or something. Those keep him busy for a while usually. Lately, Thomas the Tank Engine is a complete lifesaver, as he is enthusiastically distracted by watching that for a good while at a time. But he still tends to stop doing those things and get up to no good the moment I�m up the stairs! I can�t feed Matthew downstairs (I have tried several times) because he�s at an age now where he�s too distracted by anything and everything while he feeds. He literally does not feed, or he gets a tiny amount of on-and-off milk, a TON of wind, and more milk spurts over things than into Matthew as a result of the old overactive letdown that I still have! He wants and needs a quiet place to take his nourishment, and he deserves as much. He also isn�t doing too great on the weight gain front, so I don�t want to compromise him on feeds. I really need him to get as full a feed as possible, so I have to take him up where it�s quiet and where he�s used to being fed, away from distractions and noise. Sometimes I put the baby monitor on and then I can talk to Arthur through that a bit (!!) as he can hear me through it down in the living room. After my last entry, I have started trying to remember to be really positive with Arthur when I come back downstairs, if he has been �good� while I�ve been away. I think I was doing that anyway, but I�m trying to be even more so.
I�m also trying more to ignore the screaming, spitting and head banging. I phoned Meg a couple of days after my last diary entry because she was getting married on Saturday (yay Meg!!) and I was all bummed that we couldn�t go (too long in the car with the little ones, etc) so I wanted to tell her and just wish her a happy wedding day, etc. And she got to hear what she�d just read about in my diary first-hand, as he started screeeeaaming and screaming so loud that I couldn�t hear her at all. He had also climbed up onto the bookshelves from the back of the sofa, urgh. But I do find it very very hard to ignore those three things. Screaming just twangs my every nerve, spitting is offensively GROSS, and head banging just presses on my instinctive parent panic button! It�s hard to work against such strong reactions to those things that he does, but I am trying. I am generally fairly good at coming across calm despite that, and when he bangs his head on the floor (like, as hard as a hitting a nail with a hammer) and I KNOW it�s because he�s frustrated by a specific thing, then I will speak soothingly to him and tell him I know he�s frustrated about such-and-such, and explain why it has to be so, and tell him it�s okay to be frustrated, etc.
I don�t know why I�m trying to justify myself as a parent here. But it is making me feel better to write this stuff.
Oh, thank you Jessica for the note about head banging and autism. I also am not worried about Arthur and autism, because he doesn�t appear to have any of the key whatsits for autism. He is sociable and verbal, and is meeting developmental milestones normally. He looks everyone RIGHT in the eye and enjoys company. I think his head banging is most commonly down to frustrations, and the rest of the time it is probably a sort of controlling behaviour. Sometimes I see him do it with one eye on us to see how we�ll react. He knows we don�t like him to do it.
Lately Arthur has started peeing on the floor on purpose. Urgh! We are NOT potty training yet. I think he is showing lots of signs of readiness. He will tell us, �Need wee�� or �Need poo� before he does them, even in his nappy. A few days ago he did a poo so I was changing his nappy, and he told me, �Need poo� so I knew he needed another and sure enough, about 2 minutes after the clean nappy was fastened, he pooed in it! But that really encouraged me to hear him be able to tell me well in advance that he needed to go. When he is undressed ready for his bath, he will say, �Ohhh�. Need wee!� and then piddle on the floor shortly afterwards. He CAN hold it and know he needs to go, at the same time, but he mostly chooses not to. If I ask him to stop weeing, he does so immediately, but then moves somewhere else to continue. We do have a potty, so we offer it to him at that moment if he has said he needs to wee. He prefers to piddle on the carpet for a second or two, stop weeing, take 2 steps back and piddle again for a couple of seconds, and then when we ask him not to wee on the carpet, to run across the room out of our reach and repeat the piddle, step back, piddle exercise till he�s empty. *sigh* We sooo need our carpet professionally cleaned now, but methinks it�s a futile thing to do at this stage in the game! Best to just continue scrubbing away at little patches of piddle, playdough, breastmilk baby sick, toddler spittle and various spilled beverages and snacks for at least another two years!
Thanks for the great suggestion of the buggy board � I wonder if one will fit our 3-wheeler? Or if Arthur would actually stay on one for any length of time? It sounds like a great solution if he will. They are a bit expensive though. Maybe we�ll have some Christmas money to spend on one. I agree that Arthur needs to get out of the house way more. He is so pent up with energy all the time and I don�t/can�t get him out of the house to burn it off nearly as much as I should. It�s so hard to fiddle with Matthew�s naps and the timing of meals and outings. I am totally NOT succeeding with this aspect of juggling two kids at the moment. It seems so black and white right now � either Matthew gets the sleep he needs in the day and Arthur has to stay in too much, OR Matthew has to get sleep deprived and cranky when he would naturally sleep beautifully in the day, and Arthur gets to burn off about one-sixteenth of the energy he is overflowing with. At first I figured Arthur�s needs were greater and so Matthew had to lump it, and we went to playgroups and stuff. Arthur�s behaviour wasn�t much better for it though, as he still seems to have crazy energy to burn off (ie, those other 15 sixteenths!), no matter what activities and exercise I get him doing during the day. But it was better for Arthur that way. However, I have stopped doing that very often because it just became too unfair on Matthew. On days that we go out, Matthew only gets 30 minutes nap before we go, and often I have to wake him to go otherwise we�re horribly late. Then while we�re out, he dozes off for his nap when the time comes for it, but he is incapable of sleeping longer than 30 minutes (to the dot) when we�re out. So that�s 2x 30 minute naps and by then it�s the afternoon. Then he�ll be cranky and tired till another couple of hours have gone by and fall into an exhausted sleep, which never coincides with Arthur�s nap. So Arthur has to wait for his nap (since he breastfeeds to sleep or near enough, for his naps) till Matthew is settled, and gets WAY too tired. Or Matthew has to scream downstairs while I hope and pray that Arthur can get to sleep on the breast with that noise, and that he�ll hurry up about it so that I can go and relieve Matthew of his distress. Then by the time Matthew is ready to sleep again, Arthur is awake, or wakes wanting me JUST as I�m nursing Matthew or putting him to bed. Once Matthew has had two 30 minute crappo naps in the day, the rest of his day naps are poor quality and he wakes easily and won�t be resettled. So the usual result of taking the boys out in the morning is that Matthew gets 4x 30 minute naps � complete crap for him in terms of quality sleep (growth hormones are not even secreted in babies during day sleep until they�ve been asleep for an hour!), Arthur has his nap messed around, Mummy gets zero time when both boys are asleep at the same time, and everyone is cranky and strained by the end of the day.
When I am not trying to get to playgroups and other outings in the morning, I put Matthew down for his morning nap about 2 hours after he wakes in the morning (so usually around 8.30 or 9am, since he�s usually up around 6.30 or 7am). He goes to sleep easily and spontaneously takes about 2 hours, just like that! Sometimes he takes as little as an hour though, but nearly always 2 hours. During that time I can relax knowing he�s getting some good and much-needed sleep, and I have time to focus entirely on Arthur. We can do playdough or crafts, or play with his cars or Duplo, or do some housework that Arthur likes to help with. Things I can�t do well with Matthew awake. Then after Matthew wakes, often somewhere around 10.30 or 11am, he�s super smiley and eager to roll around playing with toys or watching Arthur for quite a long time. I have to do nappy changes for both boys and continue to play or interact with them both between things I need to get done, and before I know it, it�s time for Arthur�s lunch. He eats lunch around 12.30 usually. Then Matthew might be ready for another sleep, but Arthur tends to nap after 1pm so I make Matthew wait. He generally gets sleepy about 2 hours after waking from the previous nap. When Arthur is pretty much ready for his nap, I change both their nappies again and take Matthew upstairs. I nurse him and put him all sleepy into his cot and he goes off easily if he�s been made to wait a little for Arthur�s nap time. Otherwise if I take him up too soon, he�ll fidget and fuss for AGES and Arthur�s nap gets put off. Anyway, with Matthew going off to sleep, I can whip down and get Arthur and take him to bed, nurse him to sleep, and � voila! � a good stretch of peace and quiet and child-free-ness for ME!! I feel so accomplished when I manage to get both my little ones asleep at the same time to give me some free time in the day. It is surprisingly hard to do when I let any part of the normal structure of the day slide.
Anyway, for this nap, both boys tend to wake at the 30-minute point, BUT I can generally resettle them, and because I have staggered their naps by about 10 minutes, they wake at different times and I usually have time to settle one back to sleep just before the other wakes for the same. Sometimes Matthew doesn�t wake. Arthur occasionally sleeps a whole hour without waking! Sometimes I can get him back to sleep at the breast for another half hour, after the first one, but a lot of the time he is just UP and that is it, even if he�s still knackered and really needs the sleep. Tsk. Arthur�s sleep has always been a frustrating issue, right from the start. But HOW GLORIOUS it is to have a child who sleeps eagerly and readily! I think partly I have put in work with him that has made a difference, but also he just needs his day sleep and will readily take it, much more so than Arthur ever did. It seems crazy and unfair to him to deny him that because his brother has to go out. I don�t know. Matthew takes another 2 hour nap then, in the afternoon, and Arthur is usually asleep for maybe one hour of that if I�m lucky. That�s ONE HOUR for meeeee! Sooo nice. I generally just spend the whole time beaming from ear to ear with the sheer delight of it! I had no such experience when Arthur was a baby, and it�s just a real joy to have it now. I eat my lunch while they�re asleep because it�s so nice to eat in a relaxed manner and not have to guard my food from little fingers! Then I lie on the sofa and watch Neighbours or Doctors (or both if I�m lucky!) if the nap time co-incides with them. I LOVE that. I always used to watch them before I had kids, and for some reason it is the most relaxing �me time� I seem to be able to give myself in the day. It�s the thing that makes me feel the most like myself again, to just flake out and sort of �comfort-watch� the things I have watched for years. I love it. It doesn�t happen every day, but it�s so nice when it does.
Then I find I am recharged with enthusiasm (!) for the boys� antics for the rest of the day, and I do not resent hearing waking sounds from upstairs. I feel refreshed for a little break all to myself, and accomplished and vaguely competent for having achieved it FOR myself by managing the boys� naps so well.
Arthur then gets to take his time waking up (he is very groggy and cranky and clingy when he gets up from his nap), snuggling with me on the sofa and breastfeeding while something soothing is on the TV. My attention does not need to be divided between him and Matthew, because Matthew is on another nice long nap upstairs. There is still time after Arthur has fully woken up, to do another activity with him, like crafts or something, which he loves. Then Matthew is up around 3.30 (or sometimes he has a bit longer than 2 hours and is up by 4pm), and I breastfeed him again, and then do the nappy changes and the pottering around between the two of them, Matthew BEAMING from his contented rested state and happy to play and roll on his own for a long time while I divide my attention between them. Sometimes we phone Nana just before 5pm and Arthur speaks to her too � well, he says a couple of words and mostly just listens wide-eyed with his head tipped to one side, hehe! At 5pm-ish I get Arthur�s tea ready and Matthew is getting cranky by the time Arthur�s eating, as he�s getting tired again by then. From 5.30ish, Arthur is at his most exasperating, and Matthew is at his most tired and wants holding a lot or my constant attention. BUT, it�s only about 40 minutes, and then Neil gets home from work. The moment he�s home, after he�s said hello and given cuddles to the boys, and swung Matthew up and had Arthur show him what he�s painted, made, or drawn today, we get Matthew�s night nappy on and change him for bed (on a non-bath night � baths are every other night for the boys), and then I take him up and breastfeed him in bed while Neil gets Arthur ready for bed downstairs. Matthew is usually asleep by 6.45 or 7pm, and I am usually just settling him into his cot all sleepy when Neil brings Arthur up for me to read the �Bie-boo� with him and then breastfeed him in bed. Then when I am done, I say night-night to him and Neil stays with him till he�s asleep, which is usually about 7.30 or 7.45pm. Phew!
It�s SO much of a better day for all of us if Matthew gets his sleep the way he needs to. So much so that I have actually stopped with the outings because of it, even though Arthur needs those. I can�t seem to juggle it so that they both get what they need. We do sometimes get an afternoon outing, if Matthew wakes early enough, say by 3pm, after his afternoon nap. Then I will get their nappies and stuff done by 3.30, and we�ll be all bundled up and ready to go out of the door by say 4pm. Any later and it gets too late for an outing. We walk around the local area � Arthur walks and Matthew is in the pushchair. Or we go to the supermarket if that needs doing. Both things take long enough so that we�re not home till 5.30pm and Arthur�s tea is a little late, but it�s good to get out.
I�m not sure what else to do, to get Arthur more outings, without messing up the entire day for Matthew, and it having a big old knock-on effect for Arthur and me. So that is what we�re doing right now.
Wow, this is long! And waffly. I meant to write loads of other stuff, normal updatey things, and post a ton of photos again. I have taken so many lately! I also didn�t mean to be all serious and bang on about stuff for an entire diary entry!! I just meant to say that I did appreciate the comments soooo much and there was some really helpful advice there that I have taken on board. But I also wanted to address a couple of things from the comments, and thus I have waffled way too much, but hey ho. Now it�s crazy late (after midnight *sigh*) and I have to stop and go to bed. I will absolutely make SURE I find time to update again tomorrow or the next day � hopefully tomorrow - and continue with all the normal newsy stuff and photos!
Here are two to be getting on with, till next entry!
Monkey-noodle:
Gorgeous Squifflet:
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