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2005-09-20 - 9.09pm previous entry next entry
Blah. Ugh.
Ugh, I am not handling life very well lately. Arthur's sleep is just... not something I am dealing with very well. I know I finished my last diary entry so upbeat and focused on God, but yeah, the next day I had lost that, and didn't get time to take time out and focus back in again, not once in the whole day. Arthur slept 20 mins in the morning, and 30 mins in the afternoon. He was fussy, and I was stressy the whole time. I am just so exhausted, and there's no way to fix it.
At the moment I have been very sensitive and weepy and I guess just hormonal. I don't know if maybe it's PMS though, because I don't know when to expect my period these days after ovulation. I am almost a week after ovulation today. Anyway that is for my other diary, but I just wanted to mention my moods here too. I well up at the TINIEST things! It's crazy of me.
Tonight someone left me a message that really hurt my feelings. I feel like crap about that. Never mind the reasons right now. I emailed her and all that, said my apologies for the part I am supposed to have played, etc. I am just so upset. Somebody who reads my life at Diaryland for over 18 months takes the time to tell me she won't be reading me anymore. Not forgetting the careful mention of the biggest most emotional things in my life over this time - TTC, having Arthur, and Cameron's death. It should not matter to me in the least whether someone chooses to read my diary or not, but this somehow stings so much.
I am just raw upset and tearful about it. It's like a real slap in the face that someone tells me they have "been through" such things "with me" and then effectively tells me they don't give a crap about me anymore, just like that. Okay so apparently I said something wrong, my words weren't the best choice over something in my pregnancy diary, and I see that and apologised for it. But man, to just cut someone off like that?
Ugh. I guess I shouldn't even be writing about it here. Yeah, that's wrong actually. I think. I have emailed her. I am still so hurt and upset. I wanted to offload. I felt hurt originally but I can't shake it from my mind, and now I find myself feeling so ANGRY that she mentioned Cameron. Like, how DARE she bring Cameron into it, use him like that. It is 4 days till the anniversary of his death and any mention of his name is painful to me right now. I know that I have readers who have been there with me when he died and throughout my grief over it, but nobody, NOBODY has "been through it with me". Nobody can possibly know how much it hurt me, whether my words were clear enough to convey my feelings at the time or not. When Cameron died it was like my insides were physically ripped apart and then someone kept rolling them back and forth through an old fashioned mangle. The pain was out of this world. Anyone else care to admit to feeling like that about Cameron, just because you've read my diary? Hmmm? Can anyone simply reading my diary, comfortably removed from the actual reality of it, claim to have "been through it with me"?! I have wonderful supportive readers who I know must have felt wrenches of pain as they "read along with me" through that time. They let me know their support in so many wonderful ways.
Right now I just feel so raw. I feel like I lost Cameron all over again. Stupid though, because I know I didn't really. I feel like that wound has just opened a tiiiny bit again. Maybe it's simply because of the time of year. Maybe it's a thoughtless (or, let's face it, maybe even well-thought-out to hurt me?) comment that brought the memory of losing him back again. Anyway I am sure it will probably just go away again before I know it. I know my major grieving is done. It has been almost 2 years. Imagine that, 2 years.
I think about him at night. I think about him in the daytime. I don't feel confident enough to phone his family at the moment. I don't want to make them feel sad or be insensitive with my timing. They only know me because of Cameron, and even though we are friends aside from Cam now, he is still our connection. If I phone them, it's a sharp reminder of him. But I don't know if that would be helpful or harmful at this time. I just don't know. And I don't know what I would say if I DID phone them.
Little-known secret: I am scared soooo much that something will happen to Arthur one of these days and I will lose him too. I know that kind of fear is probably normal as a new parent, confronted for the first time with the most overwhelming love that a person can feel for another person. But I am extra scared because of Cameron. Arthur is so healthy and strong. But I have read the lives of too many healthy and strong children who have been struck by cancer and lost their lives. I still keep up with lots of Caringbridge diaries. Sometimes I can't breathe when a thought sneaks into my mind about that happening to Arthur. Or anything happening to him to cause him to leave me, whatever that might be. I know, I know, I'm crazy and stupid and I should pull myself together or get professional help or whatever. But I'm just saying. I'm so scared. I feel like I barely survived Cameron's death. I know I couldn't possibly survive losing Arthur. Please God don't let that happen.
I don't know why my emotions are so raw this evening. I know that darn message triggered it off. I wish it hadn't because I hate feeling like this. I miss Cameron so much all of a sudden. I want to hold him. My arms feel achy that I can't wrap them around his frame and hug him to me. I am trying sooo hard to preserve the memory of how that felt. I do still remember it clearly. I am scared to forget things like that over time.
I have so much to write and so many photos to post. Like dozens, or something! But I can't do that now, not after what I've written. I need to go and do something. I don't know what. Maybe I should pray? But that feels sooooo much effort right now, that it just makes me ache more. Also praying when I am hurting sometimes feels so hard to start doing, because the hurt is so much more raw when I am spilling it out to God. I know that's the IDEA, and God comforts me then, but the initial spill. I don't know if I feel like doing that. I want to stuff a few heavy cushions on top of my feelings and then bang a lid on top and put a heavy book on top of that incase it pops open.
I need to go and get an appetite. It's after 9pm and I should eat. I have a tummy ache right now. I think Neil is napping on the sofa downstairs. He dozed off when I was nursing Arthur to sleep, and then when Arthur woke after his first 30 minutes sleep, Neil woke up and said he felt tired out. So between the two of us, I don't know what we are going to make to eat tonight. I don't want to eat at all, but I know that's probably just feelings. I have been extra hungry today and yesterday so I should eat.
I know I will feel better and be back again really soon with those photos and a newsy update. We saw my BIL and SIL at the weekend and met my niece Ella for the first time! I have photos. And soooo much to write about it, and about my lovely Arthur, and other things. But I will come back afresh with a better mood to do that. It doesn't fit here with this other stuff. Sorry to be so down. I really needed to purge. Maybe I'll even feel better after eating and watching something lighthearted on TV with Neil. And then maybe I'll feel so much better that I'll write again?
Okay Neil is stirring downstairs so I need to go and figure out with him what to eat.
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