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2005-09-16 - 11.04pm previous entry next entry
Woes and rejoicings
I got tagged for a quizzy thing but I don't feel like doing it right now. Maybe later.
I am feeling really pfthth about Arthur's sleep at the moment. I will be more cheerful in a minute, but first let me vent!
I don't know what to doooooo. It was all going so much better. Now it's fifty million times worse than BEFORE we made changes. I can't understand it, and I can't deal with how it is at the moment. Basically, Arthur stopped taking wonderful long naps almost as soon as he started. Well, maybe after a few blissful days. Now it's back to how it was - 30 minutes if we're lucky, and then a total nightmare getting him to go back to sleep. Of course he MAY just not need any more sleep than that, but I know he's tired without more sleep. And if by chance I manage to help him fall back to sleep after the first 30 mins, he can sleep for AGES and be soooo cheerful and refreshed when he finally wakes. Why won't he do that himself? Why does he fight it so much? Although he doesn't act like he's "fighting" it. He just doesn't want to go back to sleep. Like he doesn't understand that he needs to, even though he's giving me the signs I recognise, that tell me he still needs more sleep. It's seriously doing my head in.
Night time is the same as ever. He wakes roughly 5 or 6 times over his 11-12 hour night period. Four or five of those are usually over our sleep time (one being when we go to bed). I am just soooo tired out. I have no energy to DO anything with him at all. Ever. It's no better with the lying-next-to him-and-letting-him-cry-a-bit thing. He isn't crying any less, and he isn't sleeping any quicker or better. In fact, these last 3 days he has done the opposite. Today has been the absolute WORST day for it yet. The situation now is that I take him off the breast when he is finished "feed" sucking and into "comfort" sucking. I did this quite a lot before the crying thing, but usually I would wait till he was alllmost asleep before I did it. It worked okay then, but I kind of felt like I was still breastfeeding him to sleep. If he woke after I took him off, I would just nurse him till he got sleepy again and take him off again, over and over till he went to sleep. Sometimes I did nurse him till he was pretty much asleep, but not usually. Since the crying thing, the plan has been to take him off and if he wakes, not to give him the breast again, but to let him go to sleep on his own, even if he cries through that.
Anyway. Now I take him off the breast after he is definitely done feeding and has had a little comfort suck. He instantly gets hysterical. I do mean instantly, and I DO mean hysterical. He no longer goes to sleep if he cries for long enough. Today I put him down for his nap at 9.15am (normal). He nursed from both sides, so plenty of milk, and then when he wasn't feeding any more I took him off. He cried sooooo much for so long. He never seemed to get tired of crying. At first I figured he wasn't ready for bed, so I got him up again for another 40 mins. By 10.20am he was REALLY tired. Rubbing his eyes, yawning, laying his head on me, moaning, etc. So back to bed we went, and I nursed him till he was comfort sucking, and then took him off. He cried till 11.45. Which is lunch time. So, he had no nap, and hours of crying, followed by lunch. I feel strongly like what I'm doing is WRONG with him crying so much. He is a totally happy baby and honestly, these days his crying time totals hours if you add it all up. In his first 9 months I swear his total life-time crying time was only HOURS if added up. He is such a happy baby normally. With that in mind, how on earth can this be right, to make my baby spend so much of his time crying. He obviously must be angry when he cries, because he wants something I am not giving him. But it's also more than that. I can hear it in his voice and his crying. I am sure he also feels distraught and unhappy, and I cannot fathom any possible reason why it should be right that this continues, if that is what I'm putting him through. He sobs and sobs. Even in the past when he has cried for other reasons, he has never really had to get to the point where he's sobbing about anything. I never heard him cry before like I'm making him cry now, in his whole life. This CAN'T be right.
Of course, I am desperate. Desperate for sleep. Desperate for time for myself. Desperate not to get any more resentful and snappy and intolerant than I am finding myself today. I hate being like that. I just feel almost at the end of my tether over it today. It's Friday though, and I am always finding things difficult by the time Friday is here. That is also not good, and I feel like a failure for it in a way. I should be managing better. Pfthth.
After lunch he was tired (obviously) and I figured he should have a lunchtime nap since he had no morning nap, so he went back to bed. Same scenario, except that he fell asleep quite by accident when the crying and sobbing paused briefly to deal with a lot of coughing and choking :( The break in the crying seemed to be the window his exhaustion needed to trick him into suddenly falling unconscious. He only slept for 45 mins though, and I went back and nursed him again (followed by sleepy (and therefore half-hearted) crying). He slept 30 mins. When I went back, he looked so tired still, so I repeated the process and after a bit of crying he went back to sleep for 40 mins. That was his only nap, as it was in the middle of the day, leaving not enough time for an afternoon nap. He has been tired all day long.
Tonight at bed time I nursed him from both sides till he was so full that he took HIMSELF off the breast. But he somehow still wanted to go back to it after rolling around a bit. By that time I had covered up again. He gets so upset the instant he sees T-shirt where he wants to see breast. He just looks at my chest and bursts into tears :( It isn't angry or half-hearted or forced or tired crying. It's that kind of crying and sobbing that sounds exactly like the type you might hear from a little child who has lost their mummy at a crowded event. He sounds just heartbroken, and I can't console him by cuddling him or using a soothing voice or anything. I don't know what I can do.
Yesterday I talked to Neil and said that I felt like I was starting to lose my sanity a bit over it. I felt like it's a 24 hour job (which obviously, parenting of any sort is, but this feels so difficult at the moment), because it is hard to spend a large proportion of the day struggling with Arthur's sleep and getting increasingly stressy and frustrated and upset about it, and then bed time is the same, even though Neil is home and helping with the bath and everything by then. But all the sleep related stuff is down to me, because I have the breasts. But I just can't take any more of the crying, lying there next to him and listening to him cry, and watching him writhe about miserably for so long without being able to make him better. Then there's a small window in the evening where I can be "me", but to be "me" I need to do things like come online and write in my diary and stuff. So those things mean I don't really get to see my husband. And then before I can believe it, it's late evening and I am kicking my own butt for staying up so late. Neil is driving me crazy constantly nagging me over staying up late at the moment. I know it's because he's concerned that I'm so tired, but he just does NOT seem to understand my need for sanity time. If I don't get it, I will start to lose it. Unfortunately, the evening never gives me enough hours of "me" time to start to feel cheerful or normal again, like I have recharged a bit. So to try and compensate I stay up late to get some extra time in. Which further compacts the exhaustion issue.
The night is all me. Neil sleeps in the spare room at the moment, because he might as well. Someone might as well be getting some sleep around here, and he works, so he needs his sleep. We still don't have that new mattress to lay next to our big floor mattress so that we all have room to sleep in our family floor-bed, and to do that we have to go and buy one (obviously), and declutter a LOT in the bedroom to fit it in. Neither of which are ever gonna happen the way things are going. So it's me in the bed with Arthur. Which I LOVE. I love co-sleeping with my lil Boo! And anyway, when he wakes it's me he needs, the one with the breasts! So it makes sense to do it that way. But I am beginning to find it hard and feel like it's all on me to cope with everything involving his sleep 24 hours a day. Neil is willing to help, but what can he do?!
So the other night I asked if he would lie with Arthur after I took him off the breast at bedtime and he cried. This evening we did that, but Arthur cried SO much and got in such a state, and I couldn't bear to sit in another room and listen to him and not be there somehow, that in the end there was just no point. I went back in. I don't know how long I left it before I went in. I don't care either. I lay next to him and nursed him. I don't care. I don't know what else to do. I'm aware that if we're really DOING this cry-and-fix-all-sleep-problems thing then I just made it ten times worse by finally going back in and nursing him. But I am defeated. He was calm very quickly, but the sheets were damp with sweat from how upset he was, and he was snuffly and snotty and sobby for a while. I feel so bad about it. He nursed a short while, and when he was nearly completely asleep, I broke his latch and he rolled over and slept without a peep.
What am I supposed to do? I feel like crying about it, but there would be zero point in that so I guess I won't.
Ugh.
Well I have nothing more to say about that. I need to cheer up and feel good about things. We were supposed to go into town this afternoon and pick up the photos we took in to be developed yesterday. But I was just too tired. I had no oomph for anything at all. Arthur played round me lying on the floor or propped up against the sofa a lot and I felt like a crappy mother with no energy. Eventually after I gave him tea I pulled myself together enough to put him in the pushchair and take him for a shortish walk. It was COLD today!!! The first really autumnal cold day. It was only about 60 degrees maximum - yay! It has rained a lot lately - I love the rain! And today it was sooo windy. Really strong driving wind that was so cold it gave me earache. The ONLY thing I dislike about autumn and winter weather is wind. I hate wind. Especially cold driving wind. We nearly got rained on, but I took the walk at a brisk pace (nearly died from my lack of fitness!) and we just missed it. I am so exhausted from the walk, but I'm relieved that I actually took my child out of the house today. I feel so crap.
Anyway! Changing the mood now! I have photos to post. Those will make me feel zingy and wonderful, because they are of my precious little boy and I love him sooooooooooo. He always makes me happy. His smile is worth more than anything I can think of. Okay but I can think of something that God offers me that is worth more. Nothing can surpass God's love and grace and what Jesus did for me. I'm glad that I remembered that. Lately I think I might have missed that if I tried to think of "things that are of the greatest worth in my life". Well, as much as I love Arthur (and that is just indescribably much, as you know!), and Neil, and my precious family, etc, Jesus comes first. He is my first love. His place is on the throne of my life, as it should be. Although I am suspicious that lately I have been shoving my own butt in that seat a lot when God should be in it. Hmmm...
Well. Here are some photos of Arthur that I took the other day. He was exploring the upstairs a little. He gets around mostly by cruising these days. He does still crawl a lot, but he will cruise the walls and furniture until he reaches a gap, then crawl the gap, then pull to standing again and cruise. He loves to be on his leggies! Here he is in the horribly unbabyproofed and cluttered spare room, just being smiley and Arthur-ish :)
Next, he headed for the landing, which meant crawling through the doorway. I love this photo (except for hating the clutter!) because he always gives me those wonderful lively cheeky grins as he rounds a corner, and finally I captured a good shot of it! My cutie :)
Once on the landing, he went to the full length mirror � one of his favourite places to go when upstairs lately! He likes to smile at me through the mirror, and he likes to pat himself and smile at himself. He leans his forehead against his own forehead and stares and breathes heavily at his image! Funny boy! Here he is having just stood up at the mirror � showing me he�s there, and then checking himself out:
I took this photo yesterday, half way through changing him. He was wearing a pyjama top and a homemade nappy :) It�s not quite what I had hoped (although cute, which is why I�m posting it anyway!) because SECONDS before, he had his whole top half inside the tumble dryer! He was banging the empty drum in there and babbling cheerfully so that it echoed around the machine. When I looked from this angle he was so far inside that I could only see his nappy and his little leggies standing on tiptoe! By the time I got the camera ready he was back out and wouldn�t go in again. But he was still cheerful so I took this photo anyway:
I love my little man.
Neil�s job interview went well, and we survived without him overnight :) I was so glad to see him back the next day, and Arthur was too. In the morning when me and Arthur woke and Neil wasn�t here, Arthur stood against me on the bed, looking out towards the door, calling for his daddy! He always calls Neil in the morning (as Neil is in the spare room). I call him once by name, and then Arthur mimics me over and over, hehe! He stands there and makes a single short calling sound, like a raised voice that sounds just like when someone calls somebody�s name. Only his actual vocal sound is just an �Aaah�� or something else vowely. He makes it sound like I do when I call, �Neiiil�.� though. So cute! Anyway of course Daddy wasn�t there, so I got up and took him downstairs to distract him with some toys and he didn�t get upset so that�s good.
Okay my dinner is ready (wonderful Neil!) so I�m going to eat. Then I will finish this later.
Back. I am drinking the apple juice that we bought last month when I was feeling distinctly morning sick. It was my magic cure when I was morning sick with Arthur � apple juice ice-cubes (NOT in liquid form). I haven�t had a drop of apple juice since then, so tasting it now brings back the most VIVID memories of being pregnant and feeling morning sick! How funny that memories work like that, with taste triggers.
Okay so Neil�s interview. He said he thinks it went well. He will get a phone call at the end of September to confirm whether he has the job or not. They told him they still have other people to see as well as those that were there on the day with Neil. The great thing is that Neil said he doesn�t think he could have done any better than he did � he absolutely did his best, prepared excellently, everything he could possibly have done. And it went well. So now it�s down to whether there is someone else out there who is better for the job than Neil. But mainly it�s down to God :) I�m glad we can wait knowing that God is in control and that no matter what the outcome is, God has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. I love that verse in the Bible. I call on it time and time again for reassurance.
I feel like I have been moaning a lot this entry. Things feel hard at the moment and I feel kind of down, but I feel like I am taking a lot for granted. I am so snappy and irritable with my husband lately, and that is not good. He is such an outstanding husband, and doesn�t deserve a snappy, irritable wife. He made me the nicest meal just now. He does soooo much with Arthur really, wherever he can. He is kind to me and loving towards me always, even when I am difficult to live with! He is so understanding and sensitive. I get my own way too much. I should count my (many) blessings. It doesn�t make the hard things any easier, but I don�t know, I feel guilty if I don�t try to be cheerful about it at the moment. I suddenly feel like finishing this entry like I used to YEARS ago, with ten things I am thankful for today, and a verse that uplifts me. What a great thing to do! I will write again soon, and maybe get to that quiz too.
First of all, here is a person who has uplifted me a TON today, despite everything else:
Ten things I am thankful for today
1. My wonderful, caring, loving husband, who provides so well for us all. Thank you Lord for matching me with my perfect partner.
2. My precious, funny, cute, affectionate little boy, who lights up my life in every way. Thank you Father for blessing me with a child of my very own to love and cherish and nurture.
3. Clean drinking water. Arthur is now drinking this instead of the boiled, cooled stuff, and he drinks it from a CUP like we do!! He much prefers it to a spout of any sort, and drinks a better volume and WAY more efficiently than he ever did with a sippy cup. I am so thankful that my baby has clean water to drink � water that won�t give him life-threatening diseases like elsewhere in the world.
4. Plentiful nutritious tasty food. Thank you God.
5. A warm and welcoming home after a cold tiring walk.
6. Cooler weather. And rain!
7. A family who loves me to pieces, no matter where I am or where they are.
8. Breasts full of milk. I never cease to feel amazed and thankful for them.
9. Health, and the energy and vitality to get up out of my bed every morning and take big clear lungfuls of air, and use my arms and legs to get things done during the day, and use my voice to communicate and sing and my eyes to see my little love, and my ears to hear the rain and the traffic and anything else with sound, and my sense of smell and taste. I pray that I never take these things for granted. I said I never would after I got healed from M.E. but you know, sometimes you forget as time passes. I never want to take my healthy body for granted.
10. My Lord and my God, the Lover of my soul, my friend and my Saviour, my heart�s desire. My Jesus. He should be first on my list, but I wanted to finish thinking of God.
Oh wow! I just spent AGES looking in my Bible (how I love my Bible! I always want to give it a huge squeezy hug whenever I take it out of the zipped denim Bible cover that I keep it in! Actually I nearly always DO give my Bible a big squeezy hug when I take it out :) ) and I just kept on finding verses mentioning breastfeeding � how amazing! Hehe! The verses I happened upon were all about being comforted like a child at his mother�s breast. Okay, example (from Isaiah):
�For you will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breasts; you will drink deeply and delight in her overflowing abundance�You will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.� (Isaiah 66: 11-13)
No matter what I looked for, I kept on finding verses like that. Then Arthur woke before I could find �what I was looking for� (whatever that was � a verse to post at the end of my entry I guess), and while I lay there in the dark with him contentedly snuggled up against me, sucking away at my breast like the tiniest of babies in his sleepy state, the verses ran around in my mind and I became aware that I felt completely peaceful and contented myself. I feel so much better having just spent a little time focusing on God (which is always the way, but I NEVER think to do it most of the time!). And I realised that perhaps God is helping me to see that right now it is okay, and even the right thing to do, to comfort my still-very-little baby with my breasts. If he is crying and heartbroken, he is not being comforted. God blessed me with breasts that flow abundantly with milk, and the time and instinct to carry and nurse and dandle and love on my baby all he needs or wants. He knows it�s tiring and hard for me at the moment. But it�s okay to keep on nursing him to sleep right now. It�s okay to comfort him with what God has provided me. The Bible verses often seem to refer to �child�, not �baby� or �infant�. My baby is still just that, a baby. It will still be okay to comfort nurse him when he is a child, so it�s certainly okay now. I felt like God himself sat on the bed with me in the dark and told me it�s okay, you can do that, you won�t be doing anything wrong. I feel so relieved. I�m going to stop making Arthur cry to sleep now. Maybe we�ll come back to that one day when he�s older, if things get desperate. Maybe even not that far in the future. All I know is, for now, it�s okay for me to meet his needs and desires for a while longer. Even if I�m tired. What I need to do when I�m tired and crabby is call on God. He always provides for me, whatever I need. I know he�ll help me, even just to give me peace and give me strength. Or I know he can even fix Arthur�s sleep up, just like that. Whatever God chooses to bless me with, I know he will help me if I call on him. I love him so much.
And now, after all that time looking for the �right� verse to finish with, I suddenly have one immediately, in my head! Did I mention I love God? I do I do I do.
�I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live�. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.� (Psalm 116: 1-2; 7)
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