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2005-09-21 - 10.29am previous entry next entry
An entry
An entry. Just so that the last one isn't the latest one anymore. I deleted the comment I made in my pregnancy journal. And I don't want to talk about it. Thank you Megan and Kat for the lovely guestbook messages! Jemma, I appreciate the message you left too. I'm sorry my comment got aimed at you too. I think I am doing okay about Cameron. Mostly the memories of him ARE fond and happy, but at times like this - his birthday and the anniversary of his death, I think it's normal to be grieving again to some extent. I don't really think I need bereavement counselling. I'm not sure anyone can say that someone SHOULD be feeling a certain way about a loved one that they lost, after a set amount of time. Everybody grieves differently, and depending on the intensity and nature of the loss, I think it must take different lengths of time for painful feelings to lift. I think it's okay to still be hurting after two years. I don't hurt all the time, or even much of the time, so I think I am managing really well.
Maybe it is hormones. I do not feel better this morning. I feel sad and weepy and vulnerable. I feel anxious to check my emails and messages online in case somebody has challenged me on something. Crazy, even a friendly challenge upsets me at the moment, which ISN'T anyone's fault. I just seem so sensitive and I can't seem to get over it at the moment. Probably hormonal then.
Neil and I have had petty arguments about stupid things over the last few days. Reeeally silly ones, about insignificant things like whether I WAS or WASN'T asleep when Neil said my name this morning (wha???!!) and then they go on and on and ON for ages, round and round in circles. Blah. It's so irritating. I am fed up of petty arguments. Neil says he is too. But we still bicker. I know he thinks my hormones are responsible and that it's all my fault that we are arguing. I know it's probably mostly true if my hormones are making me this weirdly sensitive at the same time. But he is pretty sensitive and easily argumentative too at the moment. I hate when it's all my fault and Neil won't acknowledge his part. I think it must be because he is starting to get stressy waiting to hear about his job next week. He says he isn't concentrating well at work at the moment. We are both utterly tired out from the wakeful nights. That doesn't help. And maybe I am more sensitive, due to the time of year, than I realise?
Anyway.
Arthur is napping. He won't be much longer. His naps are 30 minutes long these days. You can set a clock by him. He doesn't nap for 29 minutes, or 31, nope. He naps for 30 minutes exactly! Occasionally I manage to nurse him back to sleep for another 30 minutes. He is always so tired after just a 30 minute nap so I always try.
Yesterday we went to the last 30 minutes of our mother-and-baby group, which was nice. Arthur's naps prevented us from attending the rest of it. He went back to sleep for another 30 minutes, and then I took too long getting us ready to go out. But it was nice. There were lots of other mothers and babies there. All of them are older than Arthur (some by only a few months though), except for two. One is 5 months, and the other 3 months. We got there in time for Story Time and then singing with some noisy instruments. Arthur just chews the bell-thingy he uses for the instruments time! After that it was free play time for 15 minutes and then clear up and go home time. They have a big hall with ride-on toys and ball pits and stuff, and the sounds echo off the walls like CRAZY! A bunch of toddlers squealing in there is enough to rupture your eardrum! Arthur did his usual thing of sitting motionless on the floor with his jaw hanging open (!) for the first five or ten minutes. He always does this at a new place, or around new people, even if we've seen them before. After that he warms right up and acts like normal Arthur.
He crawled round everywhere getting underfoot and nearly getting out of the door when people were leaving, etc! He is so fast now. People were commenting on how fast he's crawling these days. He crawled into the hall with the toys, and once in there he wanted to hold my hands and walk. I figured he would walk to something he was interested in, then sit and examine it. Or maybe just walk for a while and then sit down for a break. That hall was so big. I don't think he has ever had a chance before to walk and walk without coming to a wall or something after a short distance! Anyway I was amazed because Arthur walked at a normal or fast (nearly running at times!) pace for TEN minutes without stopping! I kid you not! My back was KILLING me from having to bend over slightly to hold his hands as we walked! He just did not want to stop. I had to stop him in the end because of my back. We had to leave the hall even. He just crawled to the nearest wall and cruised along it till he met someone, then engaged them in some earnest conversation (!!), before cruising off round the walls to the next random person!! He was so funny! I got a lot of comments on how strong he is and how he's going to be walking by himself in no time, etc. I'm not sure though. It still could be a while, even though he is great at walking with support.
He tries to run along the furniture with side-steps! He is so funny to watch! He frequently treads on his own foot and goes down with a crash, poor love! He lies there on the floor looking so confused, as though he doesn't understand what went wrong, hehe! He is really eager to be moving.
I think his major motor development has slowed down though, now he's got so much new stuff done, because he has started working on communication again. He is signing milk again, and saying "mama" CONSTANTLY. When he was hungry and wanted to go home at the group yesterday, he crawled directly up to me, saying, "Mmmama? Mum? Mamum?" and rubbed his face to show me he was tired/hungry. I took him straight home and gave him lunch :) This morning before his nap, he rubbed his face and looked at me and signed milk. So I took him up to bed and nursed him :) I like that we are back to communicating again!
Ohhh he's awake. Okay, I have tons more to say, and photos. Let's see, can I leave a photo here now, and post the others later with all the news about Ella's visit? I think I will post a couple of random ones to get those up here, leaving me fewer to post in one go next time!
Here's one of Arthur playing with his beads on his activity cube. He has really got the hang of it now. He loves pushing them round the wires and rattling them. He can still spend ages playing there:
And here's one taken yesterday - of Arthur being very pleased with himself over opening the glass cabinet door on the TV unit - he is always soooo pleased with himself over this. I think it's time we somehow fixed those doors so that he can't open them!
Oh poor Arthur! I just went with him to the landing to look in the full length mirror, and he pulled it over! Ugh. I feel like we are being so bad for not having babyproofed enough. He fell backwards still holding onto the mirror and it came down on him. Thankfully I was sitting right behind him so although he got bumped a little, the mirror landed on MY head (ow!) - thank goodness. Poor Arthur was all shocked and upset though, and he has a red mark on his forehead so I guess it knocked him too somehow. I need to be more careful for him.
Okay I will go now because Arthur is bored and I think we'll go out and get a change of scenery before lunch. I'll write more later if I can, with the rest of the photos.
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