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2007-11-15 - 10.18pm previous entry next entry
Struggling a bit right now
I hate writing entries like this, but I can't think what else to do with the contents of my head. I just feel so depressed at the moment, and I am finding it hard to see any positives in things.
I know I'm 27 weeks pregnant (already!) and I'm also aware that in the last week there has been some sort of noticable "shift" in my hormones, which doesn't help. I'm SO much more irritable and down about stuff. I can't tolerate a THING that the boys do that's not exactly what I want them to be doing, and the noise they make... I just can't seem to tolerate it at ALL. Which sucks. I don't want to make them miserable. Thank GOD Neil is at home all day. I'm actually feeling panicky about being on my own with the boys.
Anyway. Please forgive the tone and the general no-fun-to-read-ness of this entry. I don't really want to write a long entry either, but I just want to purge some of what's in my head and then hopefully feel better, which I have no expectation for, and then move on and do something enjoyable with the rest of my evening before going to bed. It's worth a try!
We have just NO money. I mean, we have no money. We are past our overdraft limit, so that we are getting CRAZY fees each and every day that we remain over it (and it's not a small overdraft). We have thousands of pounds worth of credit card debt - too much to even use them to undo the overdraft issue. We just discovered that we can't fiddle with the mortgage OR get any sort of loan because Neil is unemployed so nobody will help us there. So we literally have NO. MONEY. We have counted out �25 ish in loose change in the dish on the bookshelf, and found 25 euros that we can change into �. My parents just sent cheques for Christmas presents, so we can buy presents for the boys (the ones outstanding that I had not already bought in late October - thank you FlyLady!), but we can't put those in the bank otherwise they'll get swallowed into overdraft fees and I won't be able to access the cash to buy the presents. And will thus never see the money they gave again.
It's just never ending and I don't know how to FIX the financial situation. Neil just needs a job, but nothing gives so far. The only thing I'm hanging onto positively is faith in God that he is still in control and will bring us through somehow. And that he has the right job lined up for Neil at the right time. I DID strongly feel when we originally prayed about Neil quitting his job, that we might be looking at a season of unemployment which would really test our faith.
But even if we can squidge by for the rest of November, on December 3rd several payments go out of our bank account, one of them being the mortgage which is over �900. Where on earth are we going to find that for 2 weeks from now?! It's scary.
I feel kind of desperate, like we can't buy food and stuff, but it ISN'T that desperate (as Neil pointed out). The cash in the dish is enough for food for a week or two if we budget. We don't have any meat and good protein sources in the house today and this evening I got to panicking that I couldn't buy anything that would be stuff I NEED to eat with how I'm pregnant and building another human being, etc! It's NOT that desperate, but for some reason I had a panic moment and it felt that way.
Matthew and Arthur are NOT sleeping great, especially Matthew. I feel panicky about that suddenly, like we've run out of time to "fix" that because it's getting quite close to when we'll be having another baby, and you're supposed to do big transitions outside of the 6-8 week window either side of the birth. There's a ton more detail I could go into about all that, but I just don't feel like it tonight.
Our car will NOT fit 3 car seats in it. Arthur is too little for a stage 2 car seat. Oh my gosh, we need to BUY a new car seat for Nathan - I just thought of that. [Edited to add: Just remembered the little bucket car seat that we lent my brother for Thea! We could get by with that for a few months, and maaayyybe it might even fit between the boys' seats??] And we need a new (old and clapped out, obviously) car that will fit 3 car seats in it. I have no. idea. how on earth we'll do that in time to actually have three children to drive places. If we don't, we can't go anywhere as a family till it's sorted.
We turned Matthew's car seat to forward facing about a month ago - I forgot to mention that here at the time. He was doing the whole screeching buckaroo game and we thought it was because he was frustrated facing backwards (intending him to be rear-facing for as long as possible, as it's much safer that way). So we spent ages turning the darn thing round, and the screeching buckaroo game continues. Oh well! He does prefer facing forwards now though. He likes to see what's ahead.
Arthur's birthday was last Friday and I think he had a good day. In keeping with my weirdo hormones, though, I was hugely upset that basically nobody remembered his birthday here, well TWO people did say happy birthday to Arthur (thank you!!!) but I noticed like six hundred hits to my diary in the same time that nobody else bothered to acknowledge it. It's not at ALL an obligation to remember the birthdays of children of bloggers! And I kept on telling myself, "Don't be so silly! It doesn't matter, it doesn't even matter!" but for some daft reason it really DID matter and I felt crap about it.
Half the family didn't seem to remember to send cards either (not my side, I hasten to add), though one of them did phone on his birthday. It really doesn't MATTER! Arthur doesn't care how many people signed my guestbook! He doesn't know that this family member or that one forgot/couldn't be bothered to send a card! So that means it totally does. not. matter. But it still seemed to upset me all the same and I haven't been able to shake it too well.
I will post birthday photos, but there are loads and I haven't resized them, and frankly don't feel motivated to right now. I'll definitely get around to it for my diary's records, hopefully soon. And write more about it with the photos, so I don't forget it all.
Positive thought that has just occurred to me!!!.... I have been breastfeeding Arthur for 3 years! I need a new milestone blinkie! I'm SO PROUD! What an achievement, especially with the last 26 months of those being also pregnant or breastfeeding Matthew too, or both! He shows noooo signs of weaning yet, so I'm sure I'll be nursing 3 when Nathan is born. That's fine.
Matthew just turned 17 months yesterday. I can't believe he's nearly one-and-a-half! That's soooo close to how old he'll be when Nathan is born, so it seems ever so close now. I'm excited, and until these last few days, looking forward to it. Now I'm having a bit of a panic about it, thinking that we're not ready, we can't GET ready in time, and oh my giddy aunt, how on earth are we going to manage to juggle things having not GOT ready in the first place?! I'm so annoyed, because all the things that are so overwhelming right now are our very own doing. And that just really gets my goat. I'm so exasperated at US.
I can't think what else I meant to write. I think that's the basic gist of it. I DO have a lot of positive things to write about too, just run-of-the-mill boy news and thoughts and such. I just seem to have hit a slump these last few days. I DO feel very hormonal and weird all the time lately, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it, and therefore it will hopefully clear up just as quickly, very soon. I hate feeling like this.
Our dishwasher is fixed though (did I say it was broken?) at no charge because it's less than a year old, but for some reason, both our sinks are leaking like crazy in the pipework underneath every time we run a tiny bit of water to wash our hands, etc. I am thinking we REALLY need a plumber or someone, and also someone (same person??) who can tell us why our bathroom fan is dripping water like crazy onto our toilet seat. Ugh. I'm sure it shouldn't be doing that. And Neil said that the other day when I had a shower, he and the boys watched the ceiling drip in the living room, through a patch of previous wet damage from before we moved here. Ughhh. WHY do these things happen at times like this?! Of course we can't afford to have them fixed or looked at. I just hope they don't get any worse for now (or that they miraculously self-repair overnight!). And that nothing else goes wrong that will make life very difficult and require money to fix.
A stupid and trivial thing as well tonight, is that I am HUGELY craving chocolate this week, and we haven't got any, and I know we can't buy any. I had half a tube of Smarties left from Arthur's birthday cake that I was gazing longingly at every evening, but determined to leave them for Arthur's potty training bribes (at the ready! He earned his first Smartie this morning for a random wee in the potty! Yay Arthur!), but this afternoon I was in a hurry to get something from that cupboard in the kitchen and spilled the Smarties ALL out into a pan of water on the counter below. I nearly cried! Such precious stuff, both for me and for Arthur! It's such a stupid thing, I know. But anyway. Out of all the stuff I've written tonight, the Smartie thing is the part that has me welling up! Good grief.
I do have faith in God over all this, I just also feel very overwhelmed and down about stuff right now. We're still praying together in the evenings, and that's SO good to be doing, but I am finding it hard to find words to pray.
And I have my precious little boys. Nothing can surely be unbearable so long as I have my babies! I love them so. That's why I am struggling a lot right now with how horrid I'm being to them lately. Neil says I'm feeling worse about myself over it than I NEED to, but it breaks my heart to make them miserable, or not give them attention like they need, or respond snappily to the fiftieth question in a row from Arthur, when they are all just innocent, sweet questions. I feel kind of self-loathing sometimes lately and I HATE to feel that way. I used to feel that way as a norm, many years ago. It's not healthy to feel like it, and I don't want to stay in that place. I just need a shot of.... something, to boost me back to normal again. Or a big old hormone-shift back in the right direction!
But thank you God for my darling little boys, and my loving husband. Thank you that you have plans to prosper us and NOT to harm us, and that you watch over our coming and going, both now and for ever more. Thank you that you LOVE us like we can't fathom, and that you carry us through difficult times. Thank you that you are faithful and gracious and patient, and I can trust you completely. I love you, Lord. I need you big time right now. Please bring me peace. Amen.
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