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2007-08-15 - 10.37pm previous entry next entry
The wife/mother/child-of-God thing. And photos!
I can't believe it has been almost a MONTH since my last entry here! That HAS to be a record for this diary, urgh. I have been writing a lot at my pregnancy diary and several times it has ended up that a LOT of what I would normally write here has been written there instead, along with a ton of pregnancy-related stuff. Everything overlaps at the moment. My pregnancy is affecting everything, so everything comes under a pregnancy heading!
I have been having heavy bleeding and the usual morning sickness and exhaustion, so the combination of all that means that NO area of my life (or the poor boys' lives!) is unaffected by it all. I am 14 weeks pregnant now, still bleeding, but after 3 scans (a fourth next week too), everything with the baby is just fine. I am just being annoying and bleeeeding a lot! Tsk. I hope everything stays fine. But anyway. That is a brief update for the sake of this diary. I will continue to update about it all in my pregnancy one. This diary DOES tend to get neglected every time I'm pregnant, especially when I feel gross. I can only seem to maintain one diary at a time! But I always want to write here. I just never get time/energy.
Now I will try to catch up a little bit! I don't think I will necessarily attempt to do one of my usual "catch-up" entries, because it's such a huge task and I don't want to be throughly exhausted by it and put off writing here again! But I'll generally try to post some older photos before new ones (maybe....) and remember news from a few weeks ago as well as very recent stuff. Otherwise I was hoping to just ramble about stuff on my mind, and things the little ones are doing. But I will try to keep the rambles short! Otherwise I'll be here all night! ;)
Okay!
Yesterday, August 14th, was my 8th wedding anniversary! We spent the first hour of it (midnight till 1am on the night of the 13th) arguing and bickering. *sigh* It's a long story and not something I want to get into. It's not even much of a story! We are both soooooo tired and stretched to the very end of our stretchiness (!!), and basically near burn-out I think. I don't know if that's really fair to say - we do okay some of the time. But when I step back and see how we're doing.... We're just both permanently exhausted, never able to achieve any of the goals we set out to achieve (even tiny ones) each day, snappy and irrational easily ALL the time, and just, I don't know. Burnt out, I guess. I am just EXHAUSTED with this pregnancy. The bleeding and nausea do not help! Neil is now out for long days at his new job and I'm barely holding it together with the kids. I can't fathom why I'm coping SO badly with life right now. I'm not depressed at all, or anything like that, but I just feel completely out of control of the MAIN things that, as a woman and a wife and a mother, I need to have some grip on. My house is depressing to be in, it's that awful and cluttered and unhygenic (you know the times in the past where I've moaned about how the state of the house is just SO BAD? Well, now double that. It's never been so bad as now :( ). My kids are bored and climbing the walls because I can't take them out much at all and even indoors there are some days (well, quite a lot of days, some weeks) where I can't seem to do much with them at all IN the house. They both seem to be getting kind of out of hand with their behaviour. Arthur won't listen to me, goes out of his way to do naughty (yes, naughty) things, especially when I'm on the phone to someone (no, I don't have long phone calls while they are up and about), or when someone comes to visit us, and is getting really attitudey and stroppy in general. He also has times when he's completely precious, respectful, and obedient. But the balance is definitely tipping, and when it is tipped, I seem to have zero control over his behaviour. I know he's bored, and likely after my attention, but I can't always give it to him, and I most definitely can't continue to tolerate some of the behaviour he's exhibiting at the moment. I WISH we'd got a firm grip on discipline from the start! I just feel like we're so wishy-washy and loose and inconsistent, or something. Like we really don't have a clue what we're doing. We don't have confidence in our method, and we are not firm enough. Or we're OVER firm, and then the opposite the next day. Our own moods affect the way we discipline the kids WAY too much, and that is just not acceptable. It's a HUGE issue for us right now, and we're reading and researching. We are about to have a big discussion, when Neil has finished reading a book that I read and made him read! He reads it on the train on his commute to work.
Anyway. Matthew's behaviour (yes, I know he's only 14 months - FOURTEEN months already, waaah!!) is also difficult to handle at the moment. The particular issues with Matthew are that he basically bashes the house and his brother up on a constant basis. Nothing (nothing) will deter him from doing this, no matter what I do, at the moment. I can't ignore it because he is literally breaking the TV (which now receives only half the channels it used to!), and it's not fair to Arthur to allow him to smack him around like he does. He isn't acting frustrated or malicious towards Arthur, in fact he ADORES him. He just has a thing for whacking things as hard as he can, or bashing toys into them, including people. Which absolutely CANNOT be tolerated, 14-months-old or not. Yes, we smack him. No, it's not working. We are just RUBBISH at disciplining children. *sigh* I really feel like a failure at this part of parenting, but I know there must be a way. And I'm starting to feel desperate, because I am not sure how a mother manages a houseful of very small children when there is just no effective discipline in place. It will just be chaos. And I can't bear chaos. Right now, I'm not bearing the chaos that is the can't-function-in-it-at-all messy house and the boys' behaviour. I am losing my temper with them BIG time sometimes, and that is not what I'm like. I am also feeling overwhelmed and unhappy in my home. I feel like any tiny thing will make me snap, all the time. I know I am hugely hormonal right now, but I also know that's NOT what it's mostly about. I need control over my household, and over my children. I know it's not popular to think of a parent having CONTROL over their children. But I'm not out to be popular, and that is what I need with my kids in order to function better for them as their mother.
Urgh. It's a LONG long subject right now. I could fill a whoooole over-long entry on it, and pretty much get nowhere doing it. I am a little anxious about drawing negative comments like I ALWAYS do regarding discipline choices. This is not a time I need criticism on anything to do with my parenting skills! I know I'm not doing a good job. I will probably be unpopular for this (but as I said, I am not out to BE popular), but we're pretty much decided that we'll go back to the Bible for how we raise and discipline our children. We feel we want to be firmer in our discipline.
I can't believe how much of a complete 180 I have done on SO many parenting topics since my first baby was born! I was so stubborn and even "superior" and proud over the choices I had made with parenting and things, when we started out. Some of those things are literally the complete opposite of what we are now choosing to pursue! But I feel like I have grown a lot. I have become a LOT more open-minded, and am perfectly accepting of other people's choices (which, if I'm honest, I WASN'T at the start - how awful of me! Thank goodness God changed my heart!), even though I'm getting more determined about my own.
Many of the choices we're making now, we're doing for the good of our family as a whole, rather than one specific member of it. We need to, if life is going to go smoothly (ish!) when there are lots of us! We need to already. But even more so, the more little people there are.
Anyway.
So, yesterday was our wedding anniversary. We argued the night before over silly trivial stuff (car seats, I think!) and then went to bed. Everything was as normal the next morning and we remembered our wedding anniversary and that. Then, while Neil was at work later in the morning, a van drove up and a man delivered flowers for me!!! Neil must have ordered them days before. I felt SO bad about arguing then. More so than before, that is! I already felt bad. But I must have seemed like someone he couldn't believe he had ordered FLOWERS for, while we were arguing. And I had no idea. Anyway, they are BEAUTIFUL! Neil tends to get me flowers that are as similar as possible to my bridal bouquet :)
The boys were thrilled with the flowers! They kept wanting to touch them and did lots of gasping and gazing! I let Arthur have a closer look when I put Matthew down for his nap:
I DO have such a sweet husband :) We both perfectly accept that life is a bit stressful right now, and we are stretched thin in all directions. But it can be hard at the moment. Donya, I DO appreciate your advice and sweet words! But there's no WAY I am giving Neil any sort of keep-things-sweet parsnips (parsnips is my code word, if there are any new readers out there! I don't want google finding me talking about se*x!). Because, a) oh my gosh, why does anyone ever engage in this activity?! My hormones always make me feel this way about parsnips. ;) And b) time and energy are simply not conducive, on both sides. Also, and this should have come first as it's most important, c) I am bleeding. The doctor didn't say one way or the other, but I'm pretty certain parsnips would be 100% forbidden right now. There's now way I would have any sort of parsnips while I'm bleeding and pregnant. And I guess, d) Neil is really not the pestering type, when it comes to parsnips. I don't think he's a typical man in that sense! ;) Before my first big bleed at 11 weeks, I actually SUGGESTED it (I mean, that is exceptional for me when pregnant and morning sick!) but he said he was tired and not in the mood. Genuinely tired out and stressed. We both are a lot lately. So, I don't think there are major issues there. The situation means no parsnips, and we're both okay with that. I'm honestly not missing a THING! ;)
Anyway. Enough about that!
I feel a lot that I am not being a very good mummy or wife at the moment. I am also feeling a HUGE pull towards God at the moment. Not the healthy kind, you know where your whole body and soul just yeeeaaaarrrns to worship God and you can't seem to get enough! The desperate type where I just NEEEEED God more than I can even comprehend, but I can't find him enough. I mean, he's there, I totally know it. I feel his presence, and I have complete faith that he's my provider and my safe refuge, and my strong tower. He's everything I need. And boy do I need God! But I am just longing to plunge deep into God's presence. I feel like a pot plant that's got SO dry that watering it will do no good, little sprinklings with the watering can won't fix it, and a deluge with the tap will pretty much soak it but run right through. My mum used to soak her dry pot plants in a bucket of water in the sink - just plunge them in and leave them to soak for an hour. They would perk right up, and then respond great to normal waterings. THAT exactly what I need right now, spiritually speaking. I want to cry with how much something inside me aches for it, whenever I think about it. And I can't seem to "get" it. I turn to my Bible and get "sprinklings". I pray and get "watered". I sing worship songs at church and feel just a tiny bit refreshed for a while. But it all passes almost immediately and I KNOW that it's not touching the dry-to-the-core issue. I know what I need, but suddenly I don't know how to find God in that way any more. I ask him to come to me but then I can't find time to wait on him. How do you find the time for some desperately needed soaking in God when your every waking moment is consumed with tiny people?! There has to be a way, other people must do it. Why can't I?
I think I need to reconnect with God. I need to have silence and hours of it probably. I need space to pray and let the Holy Spirit lead me, and I need space to cry and sing and let myself be refreshed by God. I need quiet and space and time to listen to God and hear his voice. I can't fathom how I can possibly ever do that again! I mean, in the next decade or whenever! Let alone this week. I really need God. I really need God. I know he has made me to be someone who can manage my life and my children, and cope wonderfully and give all the members of my family EVERYTHING they need from me. But I also know I can NOT do it in my own strength. More than ever I am realising that I can only do these things through Christ who strengthens me. And lately I have not been turning to him and allowing him to strengthen me. Thus, I have not been doing my best for my husband or my children. I feel like I'm failing them, though I know I'm not. I feel helpless and hopeless and disappointed in myself, and sad for Neil and the boys. But strengthened by God and clothed in him daily, that can turn around in a DAY, I know it. I'm NOT a failure. I'm just not being a wife or parent in partnership with God, and that's why I'm not managing to cope or meet the needs of my family. I don't know how to instantly "tap in" and draw on God's strength! I need him so very much.
We are getting a cleaner. We ARE getting a cleaner!!! Yesterday I told Neil that striving to keep our house clean and fix the clutter together is way beyond our ability at the moment, and the thing where we keep on trying anyway (and not remotely getting anywhere) is putting a strain on our marriage, affecting how we are with our kids, and becoming a mental health issue for me. I know all that sounds extreme, but I have really been thinking about it and it IS accurate. It will become way more apparent if it goes on much longer. Really. It's the same issue as when Matthew was newly born. The house got away from me (was it ever anywhere else?!) and I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth, with the transition from one to two kiddies. I know that in hindsight, my hormones were not right and everything very suddenly became peachy a couple of weeks before my first period, so I KNOW it was hormonal. But the main thing that I felt would make things feel SO much less unbearable and even make life easier and happier for me (and thus the children), would have been to get someone to clean the house so it wasn't a stress factor for us to try and do it when we had nothing left to give. And NO stress of living in a dump all the time with the two little ones. I think that would have made the biggest difference, seriously. And I feel the same way now. It's been a huge battle to convince Neil to hire a cleaner. He has this thing where he thinks we should be able to do it ourselves. He doesn't expect me to do it right now at ALL, but he puts it on himself when he can't actually DO it! And then we're back to square one, except that since he's made himself the designated house-cleaning-person, all the stuff that I can't manage with in the day (like the kitchen being too awful to even find space to make sandwiches for the boys at lunch time, let alone sit them at the table to eat!) then I just become overwhelmed and it makes my day so much harder to deal with, and I end up building resentment towards NEIL for leaving the mess for me to not-be-able-to-manage-with in the day. Which is TOTALLY wrong! So, a cleaner, please. Finally I think he gets it. I put it pretty bluntly last night, I suppose. He said he would get a cleaner to clean the kitchen and bathroom, but on the condition that they don't TOUCH the clutter all over the house (wha??!). He says HE needs to fix that, and then once it's all sorted and put away properly, a cleaner can maintain it. He said it's not up for discussion. *sigh* But yay, a cleaner! I hope we can afford one.
I need to post some photos, otherwise I will just rant and waffle this WHOLE entry away and not catch up on pictures of my little sweetie pies!
Here is Matthew, about a month ago, on the phone :) Not really talking on the phone - he likes to pretend! He's not always so great at having the earpiece in the right place, hehe!
Here's a not-too-well-lit photo of the Boo-Bean at 13 months - I think it was when Arthur had the tummy bug, so Matthew had got better pretty quickly! He is always smiling like this. He just beeeams all the time, the sweetie :)
Here's Arthur being poorly with his tummy bug (the day after), poor lovey lamb:
Better again in this next photo though! :) Rough-and-tumble on the sofa with Matthew! This is a favourite game of both the boys. Matthew is the dominant character in these games in general, despite being such a peanut compared with Arthur! See his arm (the navy sleeve) locked over Arthur?! He's nearly always the one doing the wrestling. Arthur just laughs and laughs and loves it, till someone gets a bit toooo rough and then that's the end of the game. They initiate this kind of game allll the time:
And urrrrrgh, wouldn't you know it?! Photobucket has gone down for maintenance!!!! How frustrating! I have a ton more photos to post. Oh well. Perhaps it is a GOOD thing. It's 10.30pm and goodness knows how late I might have been up yet if I had continued this entry on and on for a while longer! Also, now I can eat Ben & Jerry's (Fossil Fuel, yum!), and - OH! Now is the time to spend time with God! I need to go to bed before long, but I can praaaaay!!! And maybe read my Bible a bit too. I will do it right now!
If anyone has wisdom (because I have NONE!), please do pass it on to me, about how to fit in time with God in this kind of situation. Maybe I'm getting on the right track already? I don't know. But if you have some good tips, I am longing to hear them.
I will definitely try to update again soon, because I need to post more photos, and also because this entry hasn't been such a huge task after all! So I'm more motivated to come back and write again :) Thanks, Photobucket! I think that maintenance time was just what I needed! Though I'm pretty sure I have God to thank for it too :)
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