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2006-09-12 - 11.40pm previous entry next entry
Plans_and_thank_yous!
Ohhhkay... 7.30pm, boys asleep. Have put on my "sane hat", haha, and am here to update after my last entry. First of all, thank you SO SO much for all the comments, notes and emails after my entry. Wow, I was so overwhelmed! And you guys gave such good advice, and were all so supportive - thank you so much. I have been thinking on every single thing that everyone suggested, and putting a few things into practise too. I also talked to my mum 3 times on the phone since writing the last entry and her view on things and some advice from her have helped too.
I love my mummy. I don't want anyone to think badly of her. But she won't come. She says I CAN do it, and she knows it's really hard for me right now, but I am equal to the challenge! She says her mother never came to help her (I always HATE when she says that) but that if she was living locally she would definitely be helping me out. Practically, there is nowhere for her to stay if she comes here. We fill all the space in our house and really can't shuffle anything around for her to stay, it wouldn't be fair. They normally stay with my grandparents but G&G left yesterday for a 4 week holiday in California (flying to the States on 9/11, yeesh - I am so thankful that they arrived safely!). My brother and his fiancee don't have space and they are busy busy, and my parents always hate to ask to stay with them as they give up their bed so my parents have somewhere to sleep. Other than that it's hotels, and those are just toooo expensive around here. I don't blame her for saying she can't come. But it sucks I guess. Oh well. Mummy feels so bad that I am finding things so difficult and she can't be here to help me. It helps a little to phone her, even with the boys both screaming about something in the background and me crying on the phone too! She always helps me see clearly and tells me what to go and do the moment I put the phone down, and sometimes I REALLY just need somebody to tell me what to do.
My friend from church, Michelle, was here a few weeks ago with her new baby (newer than Matthew even!), Ema, and Matthew was napping most of her visit. Arthur was up and active and rather annoyed that I was paying more attention to someone else rather than him! I found the visit really stressy because I was trying to respond to Michelle's chat (and WISHING I could just hold an adult conversation with ease), whilst having constant whining and shouting in my ear as Arthur tried to get my attention. And my hands were busy the whole time modelling playdough in an attempt to keep Arthur amused while I talked to Michelle! I am finding it increasingly hard to juggle two or three different streams of sound or demands for my attention through my ears, at the same time as doing one or more things with my hands. I just go into stimulation overload, and it tires me out so fast. I end up just wanting to cover my ears with my hands and scream!
Anyway, during Michelle's visit, Arthur did a mega poo and just as I reached for a change of nappy for him, I heard Matthew begin to wail over the monitor. I just stood there in the kitchen doorway, suddenly oblivious to Michelle being there at all, and said, "Okay, NOW he wakes, but there's a poo.... what do I do?!" I was really just thinking out loud in an attempt to single out my thoughts from all the aforementioned overload, but then Michelle's voice cut through it like a wave of calm, saying, "Change that nappy. Matthew can wait." And that's the first time I realised how much of a huge RELIEF it was to hear someone calm and sane stand there and tell me clearly and calmly what I should do, just as my own brain was going into panic mode! It helped such a lot. So Mummy helps me like that when I phone her. But it's a shame she can't be here to take Arthur out for long walks or something. It's energy consuming outings that are most needed around here, for Arthur. I do take them out for shorter walks but Matthew cries most of the time, and we have to turn back WAY too soon for Arthur, who gets upset and tantrumy that we're going home when he's only used up about 2% of his energy! He has SO much energy, that boy. It doesn't seem to matter even when he has a MEGA outing one day, he still bounces off the walls once he gets home.
Anyway. Here are a few things that I have taken on board (so far) and am taking action on from everyone's comments:
I am going to wait till my blood test results come back later this week, and then instead of just picking any prescription up from reception, I think I'll book another appt to see my doctor and talk to her again about my stress levels. I'll try and get it so that maybe Neil can be around to watch the boys while I go to my appt. I think I need to be there on my own to talk about it properly. I want to ask her for help with stress management, mainly.
Secondly, Neil and I have talked afresh about getting some home help. He has already looked into getting cleaning help and is waiting for someone to email him a quote at the moment. Same for the gardening. He says he'll start looking at quotes for child-care help tomorrow at work. My heart sinks a little, you know me! But I am trying my very best to just let GO of the mindset I had over it, and realise I do have to accept help. And like you guys said, it doesn't mean anything about my ability to be a good mother to my kids. I WISH wish wish I could cope on my own, but it's okay to get help if I can't. So far I can TYPE that, but my heart doesn't want to hear it. I will keep saying it. I know it's true so I need to drum it into my head. Thanks for being so honest with me about it.
I'm going to start looking at playgroups for Arthur. My mum reminded me that the doctor once told me it would be good to start looking just before he turns two, because they have waiting lists and that way I'd get him in there by the time he's 2 and a half. Still, that's a way off. I'll look and see what's out there. We'll still try to get out to mother-and-baby groups. I'm THRILLED that my fellowship group at church (the one with a few mums and toddlers) is now meeting EVERY Thursday morning instead of every other one like before! Yay!
The only thing about outings - even the "helpful" ones - is that I do find them SUCH hard work. Almost more hard work than staying at home really. Matthew cries all the time and I need to hold him a lot, and even then he cries. I can't talk to other mums with him crying in my ear all the time. Arthur still wants my attention a lot when we're out, but at least he is back and forth between playing with other kids and toys, and coming to see me for something. I do feel I want to watch him a bit still, to keep an eye on what he's doing. Juggling chat, a crying baby, and keeping half an eye on a whirlwind of a toddler feels like very hard work, and I pretty much end up feeling overheated, sweaty, stressed and crazy thirsty. I'm exhausted when we get home and we still have the rest of the day to get through. So at the moment I find it harder to go out than to stay in. I think the benefits do just about outweigh the cons though - Arthur NEEDS the outing, so that need is met, and I do still enjoy the social contact even if it's strained and difficult. I keep hoping Matthew will get used to outings and be content instead of crying all the time, but he still hasn't yet. Maybe I just haven't exposed him to outings enough? Anyway, we'll try.
Playgroups are possible on Monday and Wednesday mornings around the corner. That's a BIG playgroup and we will get mighty frequent germs from that place! Arthur was ill with a new bug EVERY OTHER WEEK for 4 months at the beginning of this year when we were going there regularly. We used to only go on Wednesdays, but I guess we could try both days. I think we'd start out just on Wednesdays again and see how we go. Tuesdays there is a slightly smaller mother-and-toddler group run by my church but not many mums from my church go. It's for the local community. We could go to that. That's in the morning too. Thursday mornings will be Fellowship Group now, and I DO like that. It's going to be on a rota of different mums' houses (I'm not on the rota) on one week and then alternate weeks will be at a cafe with a secure and enormous kids play area. One of the mums at church did a trial run there and thought it was fabulous, so we'll be meeting there every other week. Thing is, it's in the centre of town and NOT easy to get my two very small ones to. It feels a bit of a dreaded task to me, but I promise to give it a whirl and see if we survive! This week we're at Katie's house, which suits me loooads better. Fridays.... no groups that I know of on Fridays. But maybe that's okay. Maybe we can make Fridays the day I take the boys to the park for a couple of hours instead, or something like that?
Ohhh it sounds like such a good plan but I feel anxious that I won't be able to carry it through! I hope I can do it for them, for ME, for all of us.
Oh! I just remembered that there's soft play at a local leisure centre on Mondays, Wednesdays and FRIDAYS in the afternoon! You have to pay and get tickets 15 minutes before the session, and I am HOPELESSLY disorganised about getting anywhere on time, so I seriously doubt that we'll make it to that unless I am pretending we're going like THREE HOURS earlier than it starts, haha! But otherwise it's a possible option. Also I have finally succeeded in getting Arthur's naps from morning to after-lunch, so he now naps in the early afternoon. Sometimes that won't really allow for us to go to soft play. And I don't think Matthew will enjoy it ONE BIT. But at least his afternoon naps now mean that we are able to attend all the morning mother-and-toddler groups.
Soooo, that's activities. It's my organisation (or lack thereof) that I worry about. We may not get to some of those groups because I am physically incapable of getting myself and two little boys out of the house before the morning is nearly over! Seriously. I find it that hard. We NEVER turn up for anything on time. I sooooo wanted to go to church (for once - it's been ages since we've been) on Sunday and even gave up my lie-in to try and get myself and the boys ready on time. Neil was here too, so it looked promising that between us we'd get ready! But nope. We STILL managed to struggle with finding things in the horrible clutter that is out ENTIRE HOUSE, in time to get ourselves ready and leave. By the time we were almost ready to go, the worship time was almost over and there seemed little point in going. I just. Want. To. Worship. I guess my spirit knows my need for God, because I am just THIRSTING for him right now. I feel bone dry and longing for his touch to restore me.
Oh, but off on another tangent again (!!), I forgot to say before that I DID have a good "time-out" last week. And it was wonderful. It was when I went to the nurse to get my blood taken on Thursday. Neil came home and watched the boys while I drove to the doctor's surgery to have it done. My appt was 11.30am and we figured I would be home somewhere around noon, since they usually run late and so on. But for once I was on time for something - even a couple of minutes early, wow! And they saw me right away. The blood test took a matter of seconds, and I walked straight back out to the car. The weather was soooo nice. Sunny and warm, but not overbearingly hot. And a nice breeze. I felt so.... FREE! Walking along the pavement with both my arms relaxed and swinging by my sides. My body was straight instead of stooping slightly to one side to hold Arthur's hand so far below mine, or to rein him in when he leaned over to this or that whilst walking along. I did not have a child or baby in my arms. I did not have a hand to hold or someone to train ten eyes on in case of an incident! I could let my gaze wander this way and that, and even look up to the sky and remember how blue it is (funny how I never seem to look UP anymore when I'm out with the boys! It's just intense FOCUS on what they are doing, just to try and keep track and keep them safe!). It felt so nice to look around and breathe easy and feel the breeze, and stroll at my own pace. I got to the car WAY too quickly, and stood by it for a while just wondering where I could go if I kept on walking. But it wasn't that nice an area for walking in, so I got in the car after a while.
I drove home, but as I reached the turning for our road, I saw the clock in the car and it said 11.43am. Suddenly it was like the excitement of sneaking out or something, hehe! I realised I could just keep driving and find a place to walk for maybe just 10 minutes, all to myself!!!! It was such a thrilling thought! :) Neil need not know, because he wouldn't expect me home till noon anyway. I kept on driving and found a green off the road. It was quite big, and framed with trees and a fenced-off railway line, so it wasn't right in the face of people and cars and business. I parked and got out of the car, and started to walk onto the grass with this huge silly grin on my face, haha!
It just felt great to be out, like sneaky ME time - it felt like such fun! I knew I just had 10 minutes to walk and relax, and I had planned to just stroll and take in my surroundings and enjoy the quiet and the breeze and use all my senses now that they weren't being assaulted by shouts and cries and clashing toys! But I hadn't gone two steps before I felt God calling me to spend that time with HIM, not just myself. I have missed that intimacy with God soooooooooo much, and it feels like it's been so long since I had the opportunity. I have been praying over the last week that God would help me carve out some time to spend with him again. Telling him that I MISSED him and longed for him, and wanted so much to spend time with him, but that I just didn't know HOW. God is so faithful. He just opened up that door for some time with him. Also I have begun praying with Arthur while I breastfeed him in bed at night, and sometimes I sing over him, worship songs, while I breastfeed him. Just quietly. He seems soothed by it. And my heart just gets lifted up in worship to God, and that's lovely. Also I have started putting Christian music CDs on and holding Matthew in my arms while Arthur is napping sometimes, and just singing and swaying about with Matthew. Again, he is soothed by the music and the singing, and especially by being held so close. I hold him extra close because my heart just grows an extra ACRE when I worship God. I always want to hold my children extra close to me when God is near to me. I feel so full of love and joy and thankfulness to God for giving me my children. So it's good to do.
Anyway, I walked around that park 3 times, all the way round. I kept my pace fairly brisk so I got some exercise out of it, and I enjoyed the walk. I sang and prayed aloud the whoooole way. I just let God's Spirit lead me. It was just WONDERFUL! I mostly just praised God - that is always the most fun part! But I also sat down on a bench for a minute or two and prayed for my boys and Neil and me, and a few specific things. I prefer to PRAISE though! :) I even praised God in tongues. I have not done that for the longest time. It felt weird with how long it's been, but amazing. Every time I did it - this will sound crazy - the wind blew HARD and I could barely stand up. My heart squished my throat so I could barely breathe to pray, for how much awe and joy I felt. And then the feeling would ebb again and so would the wind. Cool, huh?! Sometimes as I sang to God, the words of the songs would hit me right in that spot and my whoooole body would break out in goosebumps. Good goosebumps though :) I lost track of the time and enjoyed myself so much, and rekindled something I have been missing for years. But I was mid-sentence in prayer and suddenly I knew it was time to go home. I got back in my car and drove home, and walked in the door at noon exactly :) I should tell Neil I did that. It didn't come up at the time and I still haven't told him. It's like a secret between me and God ;)
So it's not ALL bad. I just need a bit more time like that, and some catch-up on the sleep front, and maybe it will all be okay. I DO think I need some help with stress management though, regardless of whether things are suddenly peachy again or not. Jemma's right, it HAS been a major issue for me all my life, not just since having children. Ulcers are not good news for a 30-year-old! I need to sort this out, and I will take steps to do so. Thank you for pointing me in that direction, you guys.
I need to go and make a seriously yummy sauce to go on the pasta that Neil is cooking downstairs, but I have more to write so I'll leave this entry open and try to finish it a bit later before bed.
Back, but it's getting really late again. Arthur woke (weirdly) and wouldn't go back to sleep so I sat with him for ages, but Neil's with him now. Matthew will probably wake soon for a feed. He is definitely having a growth spurt. He's feeding way more at night suddenly, and more frequently in the day, so I'm sure of it.
Anyway, quickly - Jenn posted a GREAT link for me (thank you Jenn!) which is here. I found it really helpful. There's a list of things to try at the end, when you feel like you might hurt your child. It helped me so much to read it that I wrote it out and stuck it on my fridge door, see?
I feel really pleased to be able to SEE some sort of action taken, every time I look at the fridge. There are some useful ideas on the list too. My mum also suggested that if I feel that way, I could try to put MYSELF on a time-out till I cool off. She asked if there was anywhere secure and safe to put Arthur and walk away from him to cool down, and the only place I could think of was the travel cot in the bedroom. Today has been another stressful day - Matthew has had 3 THIRTY MINUTE naps (waaaaaaaaay too little for such a tiny person, and definitely too little for THIS particular tiny person!) and I couldn't get him to go back to sleep even using the methods I've been trying. Maybe I just didn't try hard enough? Well, one of those times I had put Arthur to bed right after Matthew went off to sleep, and Arthur REFUSED to nap. If I had time to persevere with him, he would have taken one eventually, but Matthew wakes at the 30 minute mark predictably (urgh) and needs me to go in and convince him that he needs a longer nap (which is hard work and can take up to 30 minutes in itself). So of course Matthew woke before Arthur was asleep and there was no way it was going to work with just me to fix naps for both of them. Why are my kids BOTH such hard work with naps?! Anyway. I put Arthur in the travel cot with his duvet and told him I had to go and settle Matthew and he needed to go to sleep. He wasn't happy, of course, but oh well. Anyway, I was juuust getting somewhere with Matthew when there's this thud and Arthur trots in. So that's the travel cot out. He can climb out of it. I put Matthew back in his cot (crying) and Arthur back in the travel cot (just to give me a minute or so) to go downstairs and phone Neil and ask him WHAT to do. While I was on the phone, Arthur climbed out and WHACKED his face on the radiator :( So he has a horrible bruise on his cheek, poor lovey. And he didn't nap today, for the second time in his whole life.
Urgh, Matthew is waking and Arthur's still awake and it's 11.40pm and I STILL haven't written all that I wanted to about the steps I am taking after yesterday's entry! Poo! I'll have to try to catch up again tomorrow. I have more ways that I plan to try and destress when I need to. I did not hurt my children today, thank goodness! I found today really hard. Neil thinks he might get holiday time from as early as next week. I can NOT wait for that. Okay, not a happy Matthew now! He wants milk, so I must go. Thanks so much again for all your advice and support. I'll write more tomorrow hopefully.
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