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2006-09-11 - 7.24pm previous entry next entry
Help.
Okay, totally different vibe to the last couple of entries but -
Does anybody know where I can go to get help for stress? I have noooo idea where to go, and quite honestly I am scared to ask my GP or Health Visitor because I'm beginning to wonder if they'll take my kids away from me. I know, that probably sounds so stupid after my cheery entries recently.
Today I hurt Arthur, and I am too ashamed to tell you about it because it was that bad. I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I could snap at any second and I don't know what to expect from myself. I feel DESPERATE for help, for a break, for sleep, for something - all things I absolutely CANNOT get to the degree that I need them. It's me, and Neil. Meg, thank you for your lovely offer of coming over again to help me one day. I would LOVE that. I need all the help I can get, it seems. My grandparents came over last week for a few hours and did some housework for me - isn't that lovely of them?
But the kind of help I feel like I need is WEEKS "off" to recharge and prevent myself going completely insane. I feel like I'm no longer exaggerating when I say that. I really feel like some ticker inside me is starting to buzz with an impending explosion. I mean, I have a STOMACH ULCER now. I am more stressed than human beings are meant to get. I know lots of people are out there doing the same stressy job and coping without ulcers or meltdowns, so either I must be crap, or I don't know.... they must be great. Or maybe I'm just a different make-up than them. But a crap one then, let's face it.
Anyway. It's 7pm but Neil has taken Arthur to the park after work to run around a bit. He's okay. He could SO easily not be right now after what I did. I need help. I need help. I NEED HELP. But I don't know where to go for it, or what exact help I need. I don't think I need anger management as such, because I have never really had issues with anger. Stress, though, that's another thing. Stress management then? Where do I go for the type of stress management that is tailored for mothers of small children on the verge of a nervous breakdown?! Also it has to be free. No spare money, though it would obviously be a priority to spend money on.
I am just CRYING. I don't know what to do. I feel this horrible self-loathing that I hate feeling for myself, but it's earned today. Matthew is asleep, I just nursed him to sleep.
I really don't think it is actually Postnatal Depression, because I am mostly happy and optimistic, as you see from my diary entries lately. But I am increasingly unable to cope with normal stresses in a day, and I feel so tired out that I don't feel able to do anything much with the boys. Arthur gets into pent-up "destructo" mode and hits, bites, throws, tears, etc, but I can see that he is just overwhelmed by his energy that I can't take him out of the house to burn off. If I am over-tired and Matthew is crying in my arms for the 2nd hour running, and I have told him for the thousandth time NOT to break this or that or throw the bouncy chair, etc, then something inside me snaps and I do something like today's incident. I am disgusted with myself. But scared too, because I know it will simply happen again the next time I am pushed to that level of stress. I just seem to be unable to cope with stress any more. It's like, physically, mentally.... I just can't cope. I feel like I am on the edge of snapping for real. Over the weekend I had a few meltdowns with Neil where I just begged him to take some holiday time so I could take the pressure off this whatever-it-is inside me before it pops and something bad happens. I honestly feel DESPERATE for time out, REAL time out, enough for me to heal, recharge, catch up properly on a bit of sleep, etc. But I don't know if that's ever going to be possible as a Mummy of two such little ones. I mean, no mummy can take time out like that - it's a job that is signed up for and once you're there, that's that! Which is a wonderful thing. But scary when I am not managing it at all well.
I even used the words, "Neil, I am BEGGING you, please take some holiday time." And I never use phrases like that. He keeps telling me he'll take time off but then there's this project or other at work that keeps getting delayed or drawn-out that he has to oversee before he can take time off work. He figured he could take holiday time off around 4 weeks after Matthew was born. I remember back then feeling like it was an eternity from 2 weeks to 4 weeks after he was born (the time I was on my own after Neil went back to work), and wondering how I'd ever get through it! Well we are still waiting, two months later. I swear I'm going to go crazy if someone doesn't give me a break soon. But I can't insist any more than I am about Neil's work. I guess he just has to do what he has to do there. But meanwhile I feel scared about where that leaves me. Until now I have felt like, well I don't know HOW I'll cope another week but I'll get through it somehow. And it's been fine in the end, with the odd really stressy day. But now I'm thinking, okay I am actually scared about my kids' safety if somebody doesn't come and take over for a bit and let me rest and recharge. But by "a bit" I mean like 2 weeks. A week would have done it a month ago, but I honestly think it's going to go too fast and I will just feel depressed about it from day one, knowing it'll be gone before I feel any better in myself.
It sucks because I get the feeling somebody is going to want to put me on anti-depressants and say I'm postnatally depressed, when I KNOW that if I could only get some practical help or some time to myself, I would be happy, sane, and lovely towards my kids at all times. I feel sad that it could be that simple and nobody is helping me. I feel angry at my family for relaxing happily in France (which they have every right to do) and not seeing how desperate I am for help and getting their butts over hear for a while to help me out when I am at my most desperately stressed. I don't feel angry at them much of the time, just when I feel like this and wish I had somebody around to regularly pop in and take the strain off for me. Neil said at the weekend maybe we should EMPLOY someone to help me with the kids. Am I crazy to think this is a horrible idea? For me, that feels like the final indelible stamp of "failure at motherhood" - needing someone to come and help me with my little babe-in-arms and my normal healthy toddler. And me without a job to go and do or anything. I feel absolutely ashamed of the idea, since there are fifty million mothers of two children under the age of two around, happily organising their children and trotting off to mother-and-toddler groups several times a week, etc. But again there are lots of those who have Grandma down the road. I WISH I did. I wish my mummy hadn't moved to France. She used to live within a 5 minute walk from our house. I have no right to ask that of my parents anyway, but I probably WOULD do if they were here, because I really need the help. For me, I feel really strongly about it being FAMILY who take some of the load when it comes to caring for my children. I can't bear the idea of a stranger being paid money to do so. When my kids are this little, it should be their mummy looking after them 24/7, nobody else. If anyone else has to help, then familiar family members would be ideal. However, they certainly don't need looking after 24/7 by a mummy who can't guarantee that she won't hurt them. I suck.
And the boys are home. Seriously, feel free to insult me over it. But also if anyone knows where I can get some help, please please could you tell me. I googled "hurting my toddler help", "i hurt my children" and "violence my toddler" but got nothing but stuff about toddlers being violent, and stuff about nice mothers who are worried about things hurting their toddlers. Nothing about crazy mothers who HURT their toddlers and want some help. Urgh. Anyway, seriously, please let me know if you have any ideas. I am not sure where else to ask.
I promise to finish my happy-cheery entry about Matthew later, or soon, or something. It feels weird to do so when I am busy being crappy-Mummy with it all hanging over me, so maybe not tonight. I need to talk with Neil after Arthur is in bed. When he got home I had Matthew crying in my arms, Arthur playing happily (somehow?!) but noisily on the floor, and he met me in floods of tears saying, "Where the HELL have you been?!!" (he was all of 5 minutes late) I told him I hurt Arthur. He asked why. I told him because I am shit. He took Arthur out while I got Matthew ready for bed, and I guess we'll talk in a minute after Arthur is asleep. I have to go, i'll be back later.
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