Email me
2005-05-19 - 11.53pm previous entry next entry
Pear. And feelings. About Cameron.
Thank you so much for the lovely guestbook messages :) You guys are so nice to me.
It's late again. I have so so so soooo much that I am aching to write. My head feels so thick with it all and I feel heavy in general today. I am so tired. Arthur isn't himself at the moment, I'm not sure why. He is teething but not more so than normal, and he hasn't been like this before. Tiredness, then? Maybe. But he's been tireder before and not been like this. He doesn't seem to be unwell. I think he is having another growth spurt though. He is nursing like CRAZY. Happy to feed hungrily every hour or so during the day, or basically whenever I offer, even if that's half an hour after the last time. He has been "asking" me for milk a lot today and yesterday too. No, he doesn't sign yet, but he is doing a lot of rooting on whatever part of me he finds near his mouth (!), or turning his face into my chest purposefully, or - a new thing - fixing me with a very specific gaze while simultaneously ramming his fist into his mouth! It just made me wonder if he was hungry, and sure enough, he was! And he has been every time he's done that too.
Sooo he's growing. But surely he has been in a permanent growth spurt for like THREE MONTHS now?!!! It's mad. I am definitely planning to take him to that drop-in baby clinic tomorrow morning to get him weighed. Neil says Arthur's chest circumference has grown hugely in the last week. He can tell when he holds him in the bath. Mind you, over the last few days he has started to do full push-ups most of the time that he is on his tummy. He puts his arms right below his shoulders and pushes up on his hands until his arms are totally straight. That means only his hips are in contact with the floor, not his tummy! Strong boy! This evening I was giving him his bedtime massage on his back and he was being super wiggly, and he was up on his arms when he suddenly made this super-human effort and got up on his knees too!!! Only for a second, but still. It can't be long now before he's up and away on those hands and knees!
Our new entertainment unit arrived, so we can finish babyproofing the living room when we put it in place.
Oh yes, the sleep. Last night Arthur woke (I am not kidding) every fifteen minutes (or 20 sometimes) from 9.30 onwards. He had one stretch of 90 minutes. The rest was awful. Maybe it's the growing thing? We are so tired today. He only napped 20 minutes this morning but in the end I took him out despite his tiredness and did the shopping with him sitting in the trolley, and took that book back to Gordon and Katie. He was asleep in the car by the time we got home, and for the first time, he didn't wake when I transferred him from his car seat all the way up to bed! He did wake and stir and need resettling several times over the next hour, but then suddenly slept for a further 2 hours without waking once!!!! I was amazed. I think he was just so tired though.
Anyway. Tired. He has woken 5 times so far this evening and I am dreading the night. I feel depressed tonight. I wanted so much to offload a bit here about some things, to help me feel lighter before bed, but I just don't have time or energy. Plus Arthur is awake and fussing again. Neil is in there with him so he will rock him back to sleep (I just nursed him to sleep 15 minutes ago) but this typing is probably filtering through to the bedroom and maybe I should stop.
My head feels so jumbled. Nothing in it makes sense. If I really typed words and thoughts as they appeared in my head, a paragraph of it might look like this:
Yesterday dog sounds father likely. Feather snipe questioning red Gertrude, over creed by salmon hiking. Honesty bright shower tightrope knitted she? Moose.
Yup. I feel that crazy. Words. Why are my heads so full of words? Oh dear, I said heads. Alice, you only have one head dear. There, there.
*sigh*
It isn't just the tiredness. I think. It's the amount of I-don't-actually-know-what that has been building up in my head. It's like a pressure cooker. Bang.
I finally decided co-sleeping isn't working for us. I can't believe I even wrote that. I am waiting for somebody, anybody, to tell me that of COURSE it can work for us, and here's how! But yeah. We ordered Arthur a cot-bed (since he's so big, he could use the space over a normal sized cot!), and a mattress and fitted sheets, from Kiddicare.com. Can't be bothered to do the link to them. I feel deflated like a balloon that has been punctured and will never hold air again. Ever. One with a slow steady leak. Arthur won't mind where he sleeps, I know that. He is so easy-going, and that is good because I don't think he will be upset at moving out of our bed. I do think he will be upset when I try to help him learn to sleep by himself. And nooo I have no intention of letting him cry-it-out. I would never even contemplate it. But I think I am going to have to try the put him down, he fusses, pick him up till he settles, put him down, he cries, pick him up till he's okay again, put him down again thing. I don't even want to. But I see my diaryland friends doing this and getting amazing results, and I want Arthur to have the benefit of good refreshing sleep and the ability to do it by himself if he awakens by mistake. Also I am going crazy crazy crazy with lack of sleep, as is probably obvious to all by now! Things have got to change.
My head is a mess.
I have been needing to write about things that have been bugging me for a while, that have nothing to do with Arthur (for once!). I almost feel odd about doing so in a diaryland diary now, because for SO long I have been writing only pregnancy/Arthur related things, and it's weird to write personal-to-me stuff again. Also I have new readers since I used to write like that. So yeah.
This last month or so, I have been noticing (though I tried to squish and ignore it at first) an increasing sense of missing Cameron. Lots of you guys won't know about Cameron, I am guessing. Bleh. Let me see, how to explain the quickest and easiest way? Okay, this is an entry I wrote in January 2001 (so long ago now!) to explain my relationship with him when I first started a diary here. There's more detail near the end of this entry too. And basically if you read my sheepdip diary any entry from September 24th 2003, there will be a lot about him and my feelings for him, because that's the day he died. Here are photos of Cam. And here are ancient entries from paper diaries that I wrote more than a decade ago when I was spending all my time with him.
There. Some of you were reading (and supporting) me then, so you'll know.
But just lately I miss him so much. Why is that? It has been over a year and a half now since he died. I have been doing fine, especially in the past year, during my pregnancy and since Arthur was born. I think of him often and sometimes I have times where it hurts to think of him. But just lately it seems a bit unsettling. I feel empty again with the loss. I feel angry again that he isn't here, and that the memories of his eyes shining at me or the sound of his laugh or just exactly how he looked is starting to feel like looking at an old old photograph, that is faded and starting to curl. That makes me want to cry.
There seems to be a whole different sense of loss when someone has been gone long enough for them to feel like they belonged in a different time to the time that we are living in now. I ache that Cam is gone. I hate it. I hurt.
Something else that has been bothering me about it. I keep finding myself on the verge of calling Arthur, Cameron. Sometimes it's just a thought in my head, like I think, "Oh I need to get Cameron's nappy ready" and then I stop suddenly and realise that I meant Arthur, not Cameron. I am beginning to lose count of the amount of times in the last few weeks that I almost said Cameron when I actually spoke to say Arthur. I haven't actually done it yet, but something in me feels almost panicky that I will make that slip. Somehow it feels like something scary that I absolutely mustn't let myself do. I don't know why. For any of this. I don't understand why, and why now.
I haven't been to the cemetery in a long long time. Lately I have felt like I want to again, but the thought is so empty and unhappy. I used to go feeling a sense of connection in some way to Cam. Now I know all I will feel is emptiness when I stand at his grave. I used to talk to him there. Now what is there to say? Is there even any point? While we were in France my granny said to me that they often remember how cute Cam was on the dance floor at my wedding reception - he danced ALL night and never stopped. He loved to dance, and he loved to be involved with whatever I was doing. I'm so glad we have it on video, but I find it hard to watch. I have only watched the wedding video once since he died, and that was hard hard hard. I am not finding that sweet side of the bitterness yet, and I thought I ought to be by now. Anyway, when Granny suddenly mentioned Cam like that, I was surprised to feel how much it HURT to talk of him, and to remember him, even a nice memory that should be making me smile and think back fondly by now.
I love Arthur, nothing about this has any effect on how much I love my little boy. But in my heart I already HAD a little boy, and he isn't here anymore, and somehow it is still hurting me.
Ah I know I will be all better again soon. I have been doing so much better in the last year like I said. But right now it's just raw. I miss my Cam. I hate to forget just exactly how his face looked. I hate that. Hate. It makes me angry and sad and frustrated and full of grief all over again.
There. Now that is off my chest. I needed to write about that for the longest time.
I have to go to bed. It is nearly midnight and I'm so tired out. Arthur looks likely to have another disturbed night so I had better get my sleep while I can. I need to change the subject briefly before closing though, so I feel happier for going to bed.
Oh I took some advice from you guys (gasp! hehe!) and bought organic pears today, and cooked and pureed one to perfection! I used the cooking water to thin it enough, and then I sat Arthur in the high chair to feed it to him. There was lots more than he could eat, but I couldn't make less than one pear's worth could I?! It wasn't about how much he would take anyway. I just wanted to see if he liked it and let him try something new.
Unfortunately he just does NOT seem to like anything about solids! This is what he thought of pear:
Hehehe, bless him! I couldn't help but chuckle at the funny faces he made! He seemed to hate it completely, just the same as when he had the carrot (admittedly badly presented) and the baby rice with breastmilk. Oh well. We'll see how we go. I am in no rush, and I know he isn't so that's okay. He gets perlenty from my milk so all is well. I will see just how much when he is weighed tomorrow! :)
I feel like apologising for this entry, but I know I don't need to. I just feel... odd today. It hurts to nurse at the moment. I feel all bruised and sore. I have a ton of EWCM again. I think maybe I am ovulating, and that could account for the soreness, and maybe contribute to the unhappy moods? I don't know. I hope they go soon. I wish I had lots of sleep. I wish Cam was alive. I AM however, eternally thankful for my precious baby boy. I am scared stiff to lose him. Like I can't explain. Maybe that is part of my mood with missing Cameron and remembering that I lost him? I don't know. Urgh, I said I was going to change the darn subject. I am going to bed. I'll let you know what my sweetie weighs :)
Recent entries.....
Moving time... - 2009-01-04
Christmas Eve! - 2008-12-24
Long-overdue update, a few Nathey pics and a video clip :) - 2008-12-01
Lots of news! - 2008-11-03
Nathan at 8 months... - 2008-10-12