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2006-03-31 - 4.05pm previous entry next entry
Neil's dad
Urgh, I have so much to update about all sorts of things, and a load more photos, but today and yesterday have been incredibly difficult and so I need to update (probably briefly) about that instead.
Neil's dad died yesterday morning. Lots of you who have read here for a long time will know that he has been very unwell for yeeears - five years now I think, since the year after our wedding. He had chronic leukaemia, and the issues with that and his already troublesome cardiovascular system lead to multiple strokes (like 10 or more over a few years I think), which in turn meant he couldn't communicate, swallow, care for himself, anything. He could just about walk, but it would exhaust him. He became like a little old man in the space of just a year or two and lost half his body weight. It was so hard to see him like that whenever we went to visit. He would drool constantly and seem confused a lot. And just look very very ill all the time. He was tube-fed and got agitated easily.
We got a phone call from Neil's mum two nights ago to tell us that he had developed pneumonia and was in hospital. He had some other more minor issues as well, but I have to say, when I heard that he had pneumonia I just knew that would be it. His blood counts were too low due to the leukaemia to make much use of antibiotics against the pneumonia, and the alternative was some sort of surgery (can't remember what). At the time, he was in pain and so weak and poorly. The family made the decision to try the antibiotics and see. They didn't want to put him through surgery because it would mean more pain for him, and if he slipped away then it would not be a terrible thing. He died around 9am the next morning.
I got a tearful phone call from Neil's sister (the one with baby Ella) right after that, and she called Neil at work to tell him. He was in a big meeting and work were so nice to him. His boss immediately drove him home and everything. Neil is doing okay. He is exhausted and drained all the time and just seems at a loose end. Making decisions is difficult but we have had some big ones to make about when to go up north, and how, and whether it will even be manageable, and just a million other details that neither of us can sort out in our heads properly enough to make any decisions.
I am having a more difficult time pregnancy-wise all of a sudden this past week. I am too exhausted to do the slightest thing all the time, and by the evening I can't catch my breath and get in a flap about it. I feel sick a lot, the same way I felt with morning sickness, and it's hard to eat and manage anything that smells (!). By the evenings I feel actually ill with tiredness, dizzy, breathless and achy in weird places. I hurt EVERYWHERE, in some places too badly to sit or sleep for long. I am sleeping badly and can't even seem to do the food shopping any more without coming over funny. It's normal really, given that I'm 7 months pregnant, just unfortunate with the timing. I should write all that in my pregnancy diary, which is really overdue an update, but I don't know if I'll have time so it's here instead. Also it's relevant to the rest of everything.
The journey to Neil's family is one we swore (at Christmas) that we would not repeat again, until our youngest child was at least three years old! It was a total nightmare. It's a 5 hour car drive, with clear roads and no children! With Arthur, it was TEN hours last time. Urgh. I would simply be crying with pain from sitting in the same position by the time we were half way there. My pelvis really isn't happy with things at the moment!
Neil wants to go up now, like today, and then come back tomorrow (crazy, crazy idea), and then go up again 2 days later with me and Arthur for the funeral, which will be on Thursday. I can't persuade him to consider the fact that he'll be absolutely physically unable to do all that, with all the emotional exhaustion he'll have on top of it. It's just too much. He doesn't want to leave us here on our own, bless him, because Arthur has become unexpectedly difficult lately! He is having tantrums here and there, and seems to be overtired and cranky a lot (leading to major tantrumy meltdowns in seconds over absolutely nothing, at any given moment!), has waaaaay too much energy for me to cope with, and I am just not managing at the moment for some reason. Well, pregnancy, but yeah. Also Neil is thinking of my recent week of knackeredness and stuff with the pregnancy. He should really think of himself this week, but he's the most selfless person I know and NEVER thinks enough about his own needs. *sigh*
It has been so hard to know what to do. The house up north is full to bursting with all of Neil's family and their latest additions. It sounds such a petty detail, but Arthur is NOT a good sleeper and nor am I at the moment, and the only room left for us would be next to the loo. Which in a house that full of people would get used like every 15 minutes throughout the night or something, and I think Arthur and I would get next to no sleep at all. And then be ultra needy in the day times. Which would defy the point of being there to support Neil.
We have gone back and forth a billion times, deciding for sure that we're all going, then that Arthur and I will stay here while Neil goes, and back again, etc. I think today we finally decided that Arthur and I WILL stay here. I feel like a crappy wife for not being at my husband's side at his father's funeral, but I talked to my mum at great length about it all (to get a fresher perspective) and she thinks I will not be a good support to Neil if I'm requiring his help and support CONSTANTLY for myself and Arthur, which is what is currently happening at home. It will be even more so there, I think. Neil's needs are more important this coming week, and he especially needs space to be with his feelings, and space to be with his mum and his brother and sisters. I don't think he will get that adequately if we are there with him.
Also I figured out a way for him to not drive up and down the country like an exhausted yo-yo all week. I think he should go tomorrow (Saturday) and just STAY, spend time with the family, be involved in funeral arrangements like he wants to be, take some personal time to view his dad's body, and then come home again after the funeral. Which I think should be the following Saturday, to give him a day with his family after the big ordeal of the funeral. So that would be a week away. The good thing is that my parents HAPPEN to be coming to England again for a few days to visit Granny during her recovery from her hip replacement. They arrive overnight on Monday night, leave again Thursday afternoon. Mummy says she can leave Daddy to do the visiting with Granny and help me during the time she's here.
Soooo I would just have to get through the weekend and Monday somehow. If I took the car seat out of the car before Neil goes, someone could give us a lift to church on Sunday (there's a special service on prophecy and other exciting stuff!) and that would be an outing for us to use up some of the day. Then Mummy would be able to help me on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday morning, though she'd stay with my grandparents and just come over during the day. And then there's just Friday to get through, and Neil would be home on Saturday. I think it will be difficult, given how things are right now, but manageable. And I want to be positive about it for Neil, so that he doesn't have to worry about us while he's gone.
I feel anxious that people are going to think badly of me that I'm not taking Arthur to go to the funeral with Neil. Like I'm not showing family unity or something, or being supportive enough. I really don't want people to think that of me. I am not even sure if it's actually TRUE though, so I wanted to ask Mummy if she thought I was wrong to stay. She just said supporting Neil was the most important thing, and if we were going to be a drain on his resources rather than a support to him, we should perhaps consider staying here and giving him "time off" from having to think about his pregnant wife and energetic toddler all the time!
I think I can manage Arthur's bedtimes on my own. We FINALLY transitioned him to his big-boy bed!! He is sleeping on a full-size single mattress on the floor, up against our kingsize mattress. He has a mesh bedguard on the open side, and one of my full length maternity bean-bag pillows down the join in the mattresses, to separate him into his own space from ours. He has pillows at the head end so he doesn't burrow upwards in his sleep (which he tends to do) and head-butt the wall! And a big single duvet to cover him. He looks like such a big boy in there! Our bedtime routine has taken a dramatic change, for the first time in his life. Right before I lay down to breastfeed him on our big bed, I explain to him that Mummy is going to give him some milk and then she will put him in his big-boy bed, and he will have a lovely sleep :) He listens with such an intent and serious expression, and then I lay with him and nurse him till he's acting sleepy and less fidgetty. Way before he actually starts dozing off, I stop the feed (which he has never had done before), and lift him onto his mattress and tuck him in. I sit next to him on the other side of the maternity pillow, which is another new thing - he has never known me NOT lie with him as he falls asleep. I pat and stroke his tummy and back, and whisper to him now and then, things like, "Sleepy time now, night night" or "Good boy, sleepy time". If he gets up, I offer him a drink. Then I say, "Lie down on your bed" and he flops right down again. He is doing SO GREAT!! I am so proud of him.
The first night, he wasn't crazy about the change, although he hasn't ONCE cried during the process, which I'm overjoyed about! I expected that he would cry or something, but it just feels so wonderful gentle for him, as a transition. I stay close to him and if he wants my hand on him then I pat or stroke him. He now picks my hand up in his two little hands and places it on him where he wants me to pat or stroke :) Usually his tummy. When I start patting, he rubs his eyes and "munches" his little mouth, all the things I recognise as him making a real effort to go to sleep by himself. If I stop patting he tends to reach out for my hand to get me to continue a while longer.
The first night, he tried every trick in the book to get me to react to him and change what I was doing! He got up and down, he wriggled everywhere, he kicked the covers off, he blew his nose - which only worked for him until it was empty of snot and blowing it became pointless, hehe! He headbutted the mesh bedguard, he gagged himself with his fingers down his throat (this one always has me jumping to stop him, but not this time!), he pulled the pillows down on his head, yanked at the maternity pillow, asked for a drink fifty thousand times, etc! He even tried making pitiful expressions and frantically signing for milk! When I just said, "No lovey, it's sleepy time now", he changed his signing to "medicine", hehehe! Little monkey :) But that didn't work either. As he got sleepy he seemed to have a moment of panic and reach for me frantically, I think because he didn't know how to fall asleep without me snuggled up against him in some way. Isn't that lovely, that my nearly 17-month-old has never known sleep without a snuggly mummy against him?! I feel so happy for him that this has been his experience for ALL of this time. I feel proud of my perseverance to give him that, given how terribly hard it has been to maintain.
Anyway, when he did that, I told him it was okay, that Mummy was right here and it was okay to go to sleep. I let him hold my hand in both of his against his chest, and he fell asleep almost immediately, cuddling my hand like a teddy bear to his little chest :) It was so sweet. As soon as his hands went limp I got up and he slept THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!! Well, 8pm till 5am anyway. At 5am it took me about 20 minutes of the above method to resettle him to sleep (we have an absolute no tolerance rule (!!) of him getting up before 6am) and he slept till 6.45 then.
We are sooooo pleased with how well he is taking the transition. Last night was the second night, and he went to sleep much more quickly. The first night took nearly an hour of just sitting with him patiently and patting him or talking to him gently when he needed the reassurance. After a few nights, I can phase-out the talking, and then a few nights later, the patting. After that I can sit further away, etc, if he isn't falling asleep pretty much straight away by himself by then. Last night it took 20 minutes, and was much easier. He seemed to know what to expect and after he had fidgetted for a while and had a few drinks of water, he closed his eyes and settled himself off to sleep with me rubbing his tummy. I love how soundly asleep he is now, the instant he goes off! It's such a difference to a few months ago! I can lean in and kiss his little face and whisper how much I love him before I leave the room, WITHOUT creeping noiselessly! I can use the toilet and FLUSH, haha! We can climb the stairs without avoiding the creaky parts! We can talk normally and watch TV without headphones! Wow, we were really restricting ourselves before now, for all these months! But Arthur used to wake soooo easily. He still does when he's in certain stages of his sleep, but suddenly it's so much better than before.
Also I get to sleep WITH my husband!! We get our own bedspace to ourselves. I love that I have the best of both worlds - our own bedspace, but not even apart from my little boy. I still feel terribly separated from him, just with a maternity pillow between us! I can't sleep for hours when I go to bed and peek over it countless times to see his little face right on the other side, looking like a sweet angel with his long eyelashes on his cheeks and his relaxed body and gentle breathing. I could look at him all night long if only I didn't need my sleep! I still end up going to the spare bed in the other bedroom halfway through the night, as I just can't get any good sleep in the big bed. I toss and turn so much and my legs are SO horribly restless these days, and I can't get comfy. I get easily disturbed by two other people's breathing and stirrings, and sleep much better in a different room at the moment. But I love to start out the night with my boys :) While Neil's away, I will sleep the whole night, every night, with Arthur, and just hope that I start to find it easier to sleep there. I absolutely don't want to be in a separate room from him when it's just me and him, for some reason.
Anyway. So last night he was very restless, and kept making noises and acting like he was waking up or was uncomfy, so I would move him back down from where he was wedged at the top of the bed, or cover him up again if he'd kicked the covers off, and he never even woke while I did that! So he didn't actually wake himself, but he kept ME awake quite a lot. I hope he'll be less restless over the next week. Anyway it looks promising! I'm just so glad we've done it at last. Now we have that part of life more ready for Matthew's arrival.
Anyway so I think I can manage bedtimes on my own with this new arrangement, and hopefully he won't be too wakeful at night for me, while Neil's away. The only thing I will SUCK at is getting up with Arthur when he wakes for the day. Neil is a real morning person (I am absolutely NOT) and gets up with Arthur when he wakes between 6 and 6.30am, after I nurse him first. I go back to bed with earplugs in (necessary these days - Arthur likes noisy play first thing!!) and sleep till Neil wakes me at 8am so that he can go to work. Over the last few weeks, I am dealing BADLY with getting up even at 8am. I feel absolutely grey with exhaustion nearly the whole morning, and only start to wake up properly near when Arthur has his lunch. It is definitely getting worse as the weeks go by now. I have absolutely NO idea how I'll cope with getting up with Arthur at 6am and lasting through the morning. My chest aches and I can't breathe when I get that tired now. But I will have to manage. I'm sure I'll get through it somehow.
Mummy is going to help me bath Arthur on the days that she's here. I think he will have to go without baths on the other days. He normally baths with his Daddy - they both get in together. I can't get in with him and get him out safely, and I can no longer bend over the bathtub with my bump, let alone bend over it AND stop him slipping or touching the hot tap, and wash him! So I don't think I can bath him unless I have some help. But I think I can do it with Mummy here. I will just have to try to nap when he naps and take early nights, even if it means I am doing my head in for lack of "me" time by the time Neil gets back! I think it is going to work, and it is the best way that Neil will get enough time to deal with everything, do everything he needs/wants to do, and spend time with his family, without having to constantly help with or think about me and Arthur.
So that is what will happen. I really feel like we SHOULD all be at the funeral, but it's so far away and things are just not going to work out for it to happen. We looked into staying at a B&B or flying up, but we can't afford either.
I hope I am not being really bad and unsupportive. I just can't sort my thoughts out about anything, so I'm not sure what's right and what's wrong to do.
Neil has taken Arthur out to the park for a long walk. They both needed to go out and have some air, and Neil really perked up at the idea. Arthur had to have an early nap today instead of lunch (which he had later, when he woke up) because he just got toooo tired and had a mega tantrum. He screamed all the way up the stairs in Neil's arms, and on the bed, and instantly went silent the moment I offered him the breast :) He was out like a light in seconds. He had been acting exhausted for a couple of hours. I am wondering whether I should try him back on two naps a day for a while? He seems to be struggling on just one nap lately, even though he's been on one nap a day for months and doing fine with it. It had become impossible to get him to take two naps and not be wired at bed time, so we cut him down to one, and it worked out great. But these last few weeks, he seems to be getting more and more tired with just one nap, and seems ready for a sleep earlier and earlier in the morning. I thought it was because he had a cold before, but he's fine now and still the same way with the tiredness.
We did go to Playgroup again 2 days ago, so I hope we haven't come away with yet another viral thing. I guess if he's still well tomorrow then I can presume he didn't catch anything.
I took him to the doctor this week, like I said I was going to last entry, to see if he has an ear infection. He has never had one before, but I wondered, as he seemed to be having miserable moments more often, and sometimes we'd wonder if he was in pain and give him Calpol, and he'd be a lot better 20 minutes later. Well he doesn't have an ear infection. His ears are squeaky clean and healthy-looking! The doctor said he was a model patient! He sat quiet as a mouse on my lap and even turned his head when the doctor asked him to, to poke his torchy thing in the other ear! He doesn't mind things poked in his ears at all - in fact he loves our ear thermometer at home and wants to do it on himself after we do it! It makes him smile :) He also didn't mind the doctor listening to his chest with the stethoscope, and gave him a smile while he did it. He wasn't crazy about having his mouth prized open with a tongue depressor stick thingy, but he didn't resist all the same. His expression just told me he wasn't crazy about it! The doctor said his teeth look fine and don't look as though they are currently a major source of teething pain. Everything about him seems physically healthy, but the doctor did say that in his opinion, Arthur is physically more like an 18 month to 2 year old, and developmentally he seems to also be at that age range. He wondered if perhaps he is just reaching the tantrumy age early because he is essentially "ahead" in other aspects too? He doesn't talk much yet, so perhaps that is a source of frustration for him. How I wish we'd done more with him with signs now! Also he suggested allowing/encouraging him to feed himself more at mealtimes, as it might be a source of frustration to him. I started that straight away and he is now feeding himself almost his whole meals with his little spoon and fork, wonderfully efficiently, without spilling or missing his mouth! He isn't so tantrumy at mealtimes now, so perhaps frustration has been the main problem?
Okay the boys are home and I hear Arthur climbing the stairs to come and see me :) So I'll post this for now, and update again when I can. Please pray for Neil's family if you pray. And that nothing will go wrong for Arthur and me while we're on our own!
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