Email me
2006-07-10 - 11.50pm previous entry next entry
Lots better, thank you so much!!!
WOW. Everyone is soooo nice to me here! :) Thank you all so so much for the lovely notes and messages and emails and for alllll the encouragement and support and love. I have been so overwhelmed by it all, and it has really made such a difference to read other people's experiences and hear that I am probably normal, hehe! And just to hear that others have been there and it gets better, helps sooo much. And thank you so much for the prayers and hugs. I wish I could tell you just how much it has helped to read all your messages and emails and things. Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to leave such lovely messages for me! *hugs*
Things feel a LOT better suddenly. I think there are quite a few factors affecting that though - one of them is definitely your messages! :) Another is the fact that it has been weekend and Neil has been around so I haven't felt so overwhelmed. But also, Matthew is suddenly UN-colicky these last two days. He's been a bit more uncomfy and fussy today but it's almost weird how he has been suddenly fine for 2 days after a really AWFUL day the day before. I don't know why it is, but I am just going to give thanks to God for it because I know people have been praying for him and for us over his colic and stuff. Thank you for your prayers!!! God is so faithful! Wow, it feels weird to even write that, which reeeally tells me how far from God I have found myself for a while now. But he is. And even if Matthew ends up having another bad patch, I do believe God has answered prayers and that is why he has been so much better :) Yay!
Also we went to my grandparents' yesterday for the afternoon, as it was Grandoug's 81st birthday and he always has a family gathering at their house for that, every July. Well, we're only a tiiiny family (too many only-children, lol!) but it's always lovely to get out and amongst other people, especially family, and especially people who will eagerly help entertain the little ones for a few hours! So that helped a lot. I really missed my parents as they're usually there, but they couldn't be this time. My grandparents are going out to France instead to stay with them in a week or two, so that's nice for them but we don't get to see them so that's a shame for us!
Anyway so that was a great help in lifting my spirits. And also just little things like, after the boys were asleep on Saturday evening, I still hadn't found time to buy Grandoug a birthday card so Neil sent me to Tesco for a card and a treat for myself! :) I just wanted to nip out quickly, but it was unexpectedly releasing to be on my own in the car with the radio turned up, singing away to the music, and talking to myself as I pleased (yes, yes, I am slightly crazy). And also NICE to wander round the supermarket with a nice small trolley, not the most enormous kind that you have to get if you want to load a toddler and a baby into it as well as your shopping! And just to have nobody to keep an eye on. Just me. Even though it was just the supermarket! It felt great to get out and just be on my own with only me to worry about. I bought vests for Matthew, toy cars for Arthur (ugh, I spoil him horribly with cars, as he loves them so much and they're soooo cheap at Tesco that I can never resist!), a box of Neil's favourite chocolates, cookies and chocolate for me (yum!) and a birthday card for Grandoug. And butter and batteries and bananas and soap, but those things are irrelevant to my diary and you didn't really need to know them, right? ;)
Anyway so that helped too. Also I knew that Monday had an "activity" in it, as we had Arthur's physio appt at the hospital to go to, which was something to look forward to/be petrified about! It was my first outing with my two little ones on my own (in the car, etc) so I was nervous but also eager for something different to break up the day and to "conquer"!!
Also, I am soooo excited, because I DID take Meg up on her generous offer and she is coming round TOMORROW to help me and generally be another person around for Arthur and Matthew! It's such a relief to know someone is coming round tomorrow and also so exciting to meet someone I've only known through my diary online! I think I have known Meg online for 3 years now and she just feels like someone I have known forEVER. I hope I am not wrong (eek!) but I just feel on the same wavelength as Meg, like she's an old friend.
I actually SPOKE to her on the phone tonight! I am nervous about the phone with people I've never met, and it's always so weird to meet people who've read my diary, as I do tend to totally spill my guts in my diary and thus total strangers can know me very intimately while I know nothing about them at all! It's very odd to finally meet one of them and know that they know those things about me! When I spoke to Meg I just started rambling on about Arthur having just had some Calpol (he's teething again) and Matthew being in his bouncy chair right now, etc, and then I realized I was rambling just as if I was talking to my diary or something, so I sort of apologised but Meg didn't mind :) She's just glad I'm real, haha! People do tend to say that actually, "So you're actually real!" hehehe! ;) Yes folks, I'm real. I do actually exist outside of the computer. Hehe!
Anyway, yay, lovely Meg is coming and everything feels okay today. The health visitor is also coming tomorrow at 3pm to weigh Matthew and so on. I can't wait for that either!
ALSO, it helps me soooo much that by the end of the weekend I was feeling more "normal" towards my boys again. It was such a relief to feel totally soppy and mushy with love for them every single time I looked at either of them, which had really started to become a rare thing by the end of last week. I just felt irritated and resentful all the time towards them, and that felt terrible and worried me, so I'm really relieved to be loving them to bits again all the time! :) Of course I never stopped LOVING them, but you know. My temper disappeared also, which is another relief, as perhaps I'll be okay so long as I can keep myself sane with some help or some "me" time or extra sleep, etc.
I started today feeling quite confident about coping with the day without Neil, which was a good start. I didn't have much sleep in the night but it didn't seem to stress me out this time. I am SO proud of myself for how I've done today, I can't tell you! :) Mind you, it DOES make the most enormous difference that Matthew isn't colicky. My goodness, colic makes life so incredibly difficult! The difference when it's not a factor is huge. Anyway, today I breastfed Matthew in bed on and off from about 6am till about 8am and then brought him downstairs - Arthur and Neil were up by then. Arthur has been sleeping till 6.30 or even 7am the last few days, which is lovely! Much better than 5.30, that's for sure! Then Neil went to work and I breastfed Arthur - it's always the first thing he wants. Then I breastfed Matthew again and changed him. Then he had some alert time, which he is doing more and more of these days, looking around and being transfixed by bright coloured toys, etc.
Oh, oh, oh!!!! I almost forgot - I can't believe I almost forgot! - Matthew smiled at me for the first time today!!!! I know he's only 3 weeks and 5 days which is sure to be called "too young to smile yet" but I don't care - he DEFINITELY smiled at me! It wasn't wind, it wasn't anything like any expression he's ever made before. I was sitting on the sofa with my knees up in front of me, and I sat Matthew on my tummy with his back up my legs, and his head at my knees (if that makes sense!) so he was at my face level and we were looking at each other. He was really looking into my eyes sooo alertly and like he was almost trying to communicate with me just through his eyes. I was talking all sugary and gooey to him (you just can't help it when you're looking at your little one like that!) and I held his tiny hands and made his arms jig about in the same rhythm that I was talking in, and suddenly his eyes lit up and his mouth SMILED!! :) It turned right up at the corners and everything! It wasn't just the mouth, it was the way his eyes smiled too, and they weren't vague, they were fixed right on mine as though he was specifically reacting to me communicatively. I never saw him look like that before, but it just lit him up from the inside and it was such a precious moment! Of course I have spent the rest of the day trying to get him to smile again, hehe! He once had a millisecond where his eyes lit up and his mouth made a movement but he didn't get as far as smiling that time. I think Arthur was 4 weeks old the first time he smiled, so I was going to be looking out for that precious first smile pretty soon anyway :) I can't believe he's nearly 4 weeks old already! I should be writing this in my pregnancy diary still, but oh well. Anyway, that smile definitely lifted me today as well!
So anyway I had some time with Matthew while Arthur read his Mr. Men books, and then I put Matthew in the bouncy chair to help Arthur with something, and he settled himself off to sleep in there, no vibratey thing on or anything! He usually only sleeps or stays asleep in there if the vibrating thing is on. Anyway that was lovely because it gave me time to play with Arthur as normal. We built a Duplo farm, he loves that at the moment! And folded the laundry from the tumble dryer - another favourite activity for Arthur! So that was really nice for both of us to spend some one-on-one time together like that. Then I settled Arthur for his nap at 10.15am, perfect timing for him as that's when he is tired and wanting to nap. He never naps in the afternoon, only the morning. He can't make it through the morning without a nap most days, and if he has to then he's exhausted and cranky after he eats lunch and has a nap as soon as possible afterwards. So that was great! Matthew stayed asleep for the whole of Arthur's 45 minute nap which was time that I should have been napping myself, but I NEEDED to find the cable for the camcorder to start getting footage online again for my parents, etc. We haven't taken video footage in so long, except for like 4 minutes of my labour! And then yesterday I took some footage of Arthur playing in my grandparents' garden with my brother and his Sarah. So anyway, I found the cable and then set it up, and then the boys woke up at pretty much the same time.
After that I nursed Matthew, and then got Arthur his lunch, but Matthew was crying a lot while I did it, so I wore him in the Baby Bjorn while I got lunch ready. I got my Kozy Carrier and the Wilkinet down as well, as I wanted to try wearing him in one of those instead of the Baby Bjorn, but the Kozy turned out to be way too big for him for the way I was trying it, and I could NOT fathom the Wilkinet with its long ties for anything! I can't find the instructions so I can't use it for now. So anyway. After Arthur's lunch I breastfed them both together, and then put Matthew asleep into the bouncy chair, and got myself some lunch! :) At 2pm as well, so not even a bad lunchtime! Matthew woke as I finished it and I changed him and breastfed them both AGAIN, and then I started to gather things together for our appointment at the hospital. I felt sooooo proud of myself when I was driving there, because we still had 20 minutes left to park and get ourselves to the Children's Outpatients (ample time), and I had changed both boys' nappies and outfits before leaving, and put them both in the car securely without any hitches, and I had everything I could possibly need in my bag - nappy and clothing changes for both boys (two ready-stuffed Fuzzi Bunz in different sizes, how cute!), hats, suncream, Arthur's red healthcare book, money, keys, travel changing mat, etc. And there I was driving along feeling happy and with time to spare, with both boys in their car seats in the back, all organised! I felt GREAT!!! Especially as it was the first time I'd attempted such a thing!
When we got to the hospital I parked and got a ticket, and got Matthew out first (he was crying and highly annoyed with the hassle of a car journey!). I put him in the Baby Bjorn on my front and put my rucksack on my back on both shoulders. Then I went and got Arthur out of his car seat (rather more difficult to lean in and lift him out with a baby strapped to my chest!) and locked the car up holding onto Arthur's hand, and then we walked in! Arthur was as good as gold holding my hand and staying close to me till we were away from the cars. I felt so proud to be walking with my beautiful little boy and a sweet tiny baby cuddled to my chest in the Baby Bjorn! :) We were a little EARLY for the appt, which is something I NEVER ever achieve!
We had a long wait in the waiting area though, as the physio was running behind. Arthur was wonderful and just played with toys and drew with crayons and stuff. Matthew mainly slept but it was soooo humid today and he was getting really sweaty. When he woke he was NOT happy! Fortunately we got called in around that point, but he cried through pretty much the whole appointment. Arthur's feet are doing really well! He doesn't need any treatment this time, not even stiff shoes! They have improved since last time and he is walking and running and standing normally on them. He isn't jumping or hopping yet, and his running is still that sweet bobbly up-and-down toddler run, so she wants to see him again one more time, and not until April next year when he'll be 2 and a half. I can't imagine having a 2 and a half year old!! She expects to be able to discharge him at that appointment - yaaaaay!!!! I am so thrilled. And even more thrilled that she took one glance at Matthew's feet and confirmed that they are absolutely perfect, and he has managed to NOT inherit the foot deformity that Arthur has. Yay!!!
Neil, on the other hand, has been to the hospital this week to have both his knees X-rayed, urgh. He has the foot thing, as does his mother, and at 60 years old she has just had a knee replacement, and is currently on the waiting list for a hip replacement. She can hardly walk for the hip problem at the moment. Neil's knees seem very arthritic, especially considering how young he is. We started dating 10 years ago (July 3rd 1996!) and as long as I've known him, he has always had painful knees. He was only 22 when we started dating so yeah, his knees are pretty bad for his age! He has fluid on them and they swell up, and he can't play many sports or walk far without them hurting. And they hurt in the cold. So something is reeeally not right. So he finally went to the doctor about them and she sent him to have them X-rayed. He gets the results in a couple of weeks. I hope they aren't too bad, or that any further problems can be prevented.
Anyway so I was worried about Arthur developing trouble with his knees later on as a result of the same deformity in his feet that Neil and his mum have. The physio did a careful assessment of his knees and hips and said they are well aligned and normal, and that his feet are flexible and straight enough now, so there should be no further problems. Neil and his mum didn't have treatment (well, Neil had this barbaric surgery thing done in his teens to "correct" it, but all it has done is make his feet even stiffer) so they are at risk of further problems. The physio said that the key to preventing problems later on is getting the feet flexible and straight in infancy before the bones finish ossifying and stuff. So poor Neil doesn't stand much chance now :( But I'm relieved about Arthur's feet.
It was so nice at the appointment because in the waiting room, another mum asked me how old Matthew was, and I said 3 and a half weeks. She congratulated me on being there, because she said when her little one was that age she was still at home and hadn't been out yet. The physio also acted surprised when I told her Matthew's age - she said, "How have you managed to be here then?!" and made me feel courageous for making it there on my own so soon after Matthew was born :) So that was nice! And then we were walking back to the car, Arthur holding my hand and Matthew on my front in the carrier, and we passed a lady I used to work with in the Children's Ward as a play assistant, just before I started working with Cameron. I bumped into her about a year ago I think, when we were there for one of Arthur's physio appointments and she was amazed to see me with a child of my own! This time she smiled as she saw us approaching and started to ask how I was doing, and then she saw Matthew in the carrier and her eyes went wide and she said, "Two?!" hehe! We were hurrying past each other as it was raining, so I only had time to smile and say, "Yes!" before we parted. It must have seemed to her like hardly any time since she saw me with just one little baby, as a year always feels like a month or two when you bump into someone you haven't seen in a decade. I don't know why exactly, but that felt like a wonderfully proud moment for me :) All the way back to the car after that, I felt like bursting with joy and pride that I was walking along with my head held high, managing to look "the part" and competent at what I was doing, with two precious little boys in tow! All on my own too! :) Ah it was lovely!
Matthew cried himself hoarse on the drive home and when we got in the house we all just went straight to the sofa, kicking shoes off on the way there (!) and I immediately nursed the two boys together. They fed for a good while and Matthew fell asleep. He didn't wake when I put him in the bouncy chair so that was another window for me to play with Arthur. I felt wonderful as it was 4.30pm and Matthew was asleep, and soon it would be Arthur's tea time, which looked like it might be straightforward if Matthew continued to sleep, and then Neil would be home before we knew it! I played Duplo again with Arthur and playdough after that, and then I started to make Arthur's tea. He dropped a tin of evaporated milk on his foot (poor Arthur, but he does love to organize the cupboards!) and I had to breastfeed him for a while to comfort him - he cried soooo much so it must have hurt him a lot! Then Matthew woke when Arthur had his tea and cried and cried. I ran back and forth between them for a while and then had to leave Matthew to cry for a few minutes (which I HATED doing, poor Matthew) because Arthur tipped his food up everywhere and cried so I needed to attend to that! And then Neil came home just in time to pick Matthew up and comfort him while I got Arthur cleaned up and stuff. So it went well!
I breastfed Matthew while Neil changed Arthur for bed, and then we swapped boys. I breastfed Arthur to sleep (or near enough asleep) in bed. Matthew seemed fussy and unsettled, and a bit uncomfy. His nappy rash had hugely improved but it is back again today, although not as bad as before. He is more fussy today also, so I wondered if he might have a bit of a colicky evening again. It felt a bit better having a plan of action for the evening though - I had bought some colic drops at the supermarket, and the plan was to give those to him, swaddle him, feed him, and then if he was still awake, let him suck on a dummy or a little finger until he was asleep and then lay him on his SIDE till he was in a deeper sleep. He sleeps so much better in any position other than his back, so that might have helped him settle to sleep properly.
In the end I swaddled him, gave him the hideous colic drops (which is actually revolting smelling (and presumably, tasting) thick white gunky goop which is syringed onto the back of his tongue in enormous quantities) which the poor love nearly threw up, such was his reaction to the taste, and then I lay next to him in bed and breastfed him till he was all sleepy. At that point, Arthur woke and cried and cried. He has a new tooth today, the first one in ages. It's number 13, and the first of his four canine/eye-teeth, or whatever you call those pointy ones that fill the gaps between the front teeth and the molars! I saw the telltale little dent in the gum a couple of days ago and tonight I saw the first tiiiny white point poking through his gum. Anyway, he cried and gnawed on his hands and wouldn't be comforted, so Neil gave him Calpol, and then I literally just detached Matthew from the breast, walked through to the other bedroom with it still hanging out (!!) and offered it to Arthur! He calmed down right away and went back to sleep on the breast. Phew! Matthew didn't go to sleep so Neil put him in the bouncy chair downstairs and he went to sleep sucking Neil's little finger. He's been there 2 and a half hours now. So our evening didn't really start till 9pm but never mind. It still feels like a really successful day and I'm so encouraged and happy to have managed the day well!
The weather is much nicer and fresher since the end of last week, which is a GREAT help too! But it's going to get hot again at the end of this week. Bleurgh. BUT! I forgot to say, the weekend before last when it was really hot, I tried everything I could to get the temperature down inside the house for the night time, as I was worried about it being unsafe for a newborn. I know the ideal temperature for a newborn's sleeping area is meant to be 18-20 degrees C (64-68 degrees F), but even after strategically opening and closing the windows at the right times in the day and having the fans day and night, the digital thermometer in Matthew's cot still only got down to 29.4 (85) - yikes! It was horribly hot for sleeping in, even for me, but it surely wasn't safe for Matthew. He was sweating even in just a nappy with the fan on. The next morning Neil took Arthur out and when they came back he dragged in a huge box from the car with an AIR CONDITIONER inside!!!!!!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! It's a good one so it was expensive, but the weird thing is, even with our money crisis lately, somehow the money was there for us to use. Another thing I definitely want to give glory to God for! :) And it was soooo worth it. We have put it in the bedroom where Arthur and Neil sleep as it's the only room in the house that has a space to put the machine, and it keeps THE WHOLE HOUSE cool!!! Well, the whole upstairs is really nice and cool even on the hottest day. Right now it's a breezy 22 degrees (72F) which feels almost chilly to me so I'm sure it's fine. We don't cover Matthew with much at night, and sometimes he just lies in the cot wearing a sleepsuit. We just keep an eye on the temperature and humidity on my marvellous thermostat thingy and adjust his covers accordingly. Downstairs is warmer and muggier but we have the fan on down there and it draws cool air from upstairs so it's WAY better than when we only had fans and no air con. We have the air con on all day and all night at the moment, except lately it gets a bit cool for it at night so we switch it off. But it's SO great, and I'm so thankful for it! I wish we had bought one years ago, it would have been so helpful during pregnancy, but never mind! I'm just so glad to have it now. The only down side is having to hang the vent thingy out of an open window all the time, but oh well, it's worth it! And Neil's knees hurt in the night if he doesn't cover up enough in bed. I hope his knees will be okay...
Okay this is REALLY long and I meant to only do a brief update and get an early night, tsk! I wanted to update over the weekend but I just didn't have a moment to. I'm so grateful to everyone for all the helpful advice and support! I just wanted to tell you so and to thank you, and let you know that I'm doing a lot better! I'm sure there will be times when I have a bad day or run of days, and feel hopeless again, but I feel so much better about that now, knowing that it's just what mothers of more-than-one go through and it will pass.
Ohhh but I almost forgot - a couple of you mentioned Arthur and discipline, and I took that to heart because he really doesn't listen to me when I tell him not to do things, and he definitely seems to be the "boss" which hasn't felt right to me for some time now. I personally don't want to smack (spank) so we are using a slight variation on Supernanny's "naughty step" method. He's a little bit young for that method I think, because he's not old enough yet to have enough understanding of "sorry", but at 2 I think he will be. I looked everywhere but couldn't find anything saying how young is too young for that method. But anyway, we need to do SOMETHING to get him to mind us over things, so we started over the weekend. Actually I started on Friday with the time-out thing in the travel cot when I had finally had enough. We've been using it ever since, and the change in him is REALLY noticable now. He SO does not want to be put in that travel cot with the whole air of being punished, etc! Today I have not had to put him in there once. Several times I have had to warn him, but he has heeded me every single time and so I haven't had to carry it out! I am amazed. If he starts doing something he shouldn't like climbing somewhere unsafe while I'm breastfeeding Matthew, or doing something he shouldn't just to wind me up, then all I have to do is ask him to stop, and when he doesn't, I just tell him if he doesn't stop doing whatever it is, I will take him upstairs and put him in the travel cot. He looks like he is thinking about it, and then he climbs back down or stops whatever it is that he's doing. Sometimes I just say, "Arthur, do I have to take you upstairs?!" and he will stop. He was running for the open stairgate (at the bottom of the stairs) when I had thoughtlessly left it open today, and he usually NEVER listens to me when I tell him to come back or not to go up the stairs, but this time I just called out, "ARTHUR!" and he stopped dead and turned around. When I told him to come back to me (I was breastfeeding again), he just walked back to me! Neil has been using the method too and has had to carry it out once or twice but that is all. Arthur so does not want to go in the cot that he is obeying us pretty quick now! I hope it continues! He mucks us around so much during nappy changes, especially the really pooey ones, that we have started to use the "travel cot" method then too. We do ask him to stop but he NEVER does and it just turns into a battle that he seems to be in control of, so we figured it was right to discipline him then too. At my grandparents' house, Arthur was doing just that during a nappy change, and Neil said to him, "Do I have to take you upstairs, Arthur?!" and Arthur thought about it and behaved perfectly after that. Neil said to me that Arthur didn't have to know that there is no travel cot upstairs, hehe! I don't know where we'd put him if we DID have to follow through on the warning! Anyway thank you to those who picked up on the discipline thing, for your honesty and helpful advice! It was so helpful and we are acting on it and things are changing for the better, which helps my "coping" too.
Also thanks Jemma for suggesting the fish oil supplements. I think we will try them for Arthur. He is terribly hyper and slightly manic sometimes!! I know an energetic toddler will seem like that a lot, but sometimes I have wondered if he seems a bit "out of control" even for himself. Do you have to get special ones for kids? Here is a rather fitting photo of Arthur having a "manic moment" with his brother's (formerly his!) activity mat/gym:
Since I didn't post photos last entry, would you like to see some this time?! :) I have a few from the thingy at my grandparents' yesterday! Several of Arthur being wonderfully entertained by Bennie (my brother) and Sarah (the first one is a game of "where's the ball?" in case you were wondering about the gestures!!):
Having suncream put on his legs by Daddy (it got sunny):
Being thrilled by Bennie doing some very strange leaping (I seem to have caught him in mid-air!) to entertain him!...
I love these last two - they were taken at the end of the afternoon, after 2 hours of energetic outdoor play. All the adults were completely knackered and Neil was even lying on the grass at this point with the camera, which is where he managed to take these great photos from. And yet Arthur was still absolutely bursting with energy, hehe! Here is a great action shot of him running round a bush. He just runs and runs and RUNS whenever he's out in an open space. He loves to run and never seems to get tired!
And the last one, my little monkey when he finally stood still for a nanosecond before racing off again! He's such a boy, isn't he?! ;)
Recent entries.....
Moving time... - 2009-01-04
Christmas Eve! - 2008-12-24
Long-overdue update, a few Nathey pics and a video clip :) - 2008-12-01
Lots of news! - 2008-11-03
Nathan at 8 months... - 2008-10-12