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2005-09-12 - 10.36pm previous entry next entry
Random wafflings (points 'a' to 'k'!!!)
I should definitely NOT be starting a diary entry at 10.36pm when I am this tired! This is the first moment that I have really gathered myself to catch up with my normal online stuff though, and suddenly I just have this huge urge to write a diary entry. I should be doing one of the following instead: a) Sleeping (preferred option), b) Replying to emails, c) Smooching with my (also tired) hubby, d) Okay, sleeping again. But I just lurve Diaryland so much that I had to update instead! :)
I have soooo much random jumble in my head tonight. There is no way I could purge myself of it all before midnight, so I will have to content myself with venting a tiny portion of it. I will start right away. That way I don't waste any time!
a) Oestrogen (yes, the O) is my friend! I have come to the conclusion that I have been deficient in oestrogen for yeeears. Here's my theory - I went on the pill right before we got married (six years ago). It messed with me. I just felt weird and got weird symptoms in my cycle that I wasn't used to getting. So I stopped taking it a few months later. By then I had M.E. and so parnsips went right out the window anyway. Okay so M.E. can reeeally mess with your body. I think that changed my hormones a bit too. That and whatever the pill did. Since then I have had zero parsnip drive, no fertile CM to speak of (we used a substitutey type thing to conceive in the end), and yeah. THEN I had Arthur! I think pregnancy kick-started my system again, because I have fertile CM aplenty, and when I get to the part of my cycle where oestrogen rises (ie the fertile bit), I just want to jump Neil's bones. All. The time. As I mentioned before, we are officially NOT trying to conceive till the end of the year, but already there has been an oopsie. There only haven't been more oopsies because Arthur is teething and we are tiiiired.
b) Arthur's sleep is improved, especially in the daytime - yay! He now goes to sleep with sometimes a little cranky grissling, me lying right by his side, in a very short time, and then he stays there for 1.5-2 hours! Every time! He is getting almost DOUBLE the amount of sleep during the day than he used to. I always felt he wasn't getting enough nap sleep before, as he would be tired not long after getting up again. I'm soooo glad to see him getting better sleep in the day. Plus I get a little more time to myself. I cleaned the kitchen a bit today! :) We do the same thing at bedtime, and he goes to sleep fine. He does cry a little more at bedtime though. I am always right there snuggling with him. He sleeps all evening. He still wakes two or three times after we go to bed, but last night he woke at 1ish and then 5.30 which felt like a WHOLE NIGHT to me!! :)
But - c) - he is teething pretty badly today. I don't see any active bulges in his gums, but he is definitely having a hard time with them all the same. I have had to give him Calpol twice today. He has just been so miserable, crying and chewing his pointy finger over the gums next to his new teeth, and sobbing, "Oh-yo-yo!" over and over as he chews :( He smiles and goes very calm and quiet when I give him the medicine, and 20 minutes later he is right as rain. So he must have teething pain. I hope it won't be ages with no relief for him again. Anyway, the teething has meant he is off his food, although he'll eat a bit of lunch. I would say 95% of his intake is breast milk at the moment, which is lovely for me :) Also he isn't sleeping quite as great as he was. He has woken today after only half an hour of his nap times, and it has taken him a while to get back to sleep. This evening we gave him Calpol after half an hour and he hasn't woken in the last 3 hours. I'm glad it works for him.
But the last few evenings have been sooo nice! Arthur just goes to sleep, and we don't have to hang about wondering if he'll wake at the "half hour" like usual. We know he's out for the evening. Of course this has freed mama up to get some good lovin', hehe! It has been quite fun! ;)
d) I spent hooours this evening reading diary entries from my sheepdip diary. I didn't plan to, I just somehow ended up reading there. I nevvver seem to go back there any more, so it was weird for me. I read some of the early ones and it was strange and sobering to be reminded what it was like to have M.E. It was so so so hard to be so ill and isolated and housebound all the time. And to never know when it might go away again. I forgot how awful. But I read some entries, lots of entries, where I had such enormous faith in God, even on hard hard days where I didn't know how I'd get through. I stuck so close to God in those days. I read those entries and it was like reading someone else's diary, someone whose faith I admired and wished I shared. Only it was me. Is that weird/sad/shameful? I think it is. Which brings me to -
e) I miss God. Or more specifically, the relationship I had with God. I still have it, and everything is still just as available to me, but the passion is so dimishined. And I find that so sad :( I get bursts of passion for Jesus here and there. Church helps. Singing praise to God with others all around me doing the same, lifts me amazingly. I remember God, and that he's awesome and loving and mighty and just wow, and I remember how to lift my heart and my eyes and my soul to him again. And I do it. But then I leave and daily life resumes. But daily life should include lifting my heart and my eyes and my soul to God. So that makes me sad too.
f) (isn't this flowing nicely?!) We went to church on Sunday - yay!! First time in a month I think. Arthur napped so that we missed the first 20 minutes, but when we arrived they were still worshipping God and we got to sing two beautiful songs. One of them is going round and round in my head this evening. It's called "Unfailing Love" by Chris Tomlin. The lyrics are here. If you scroll down a bit you can hear a tiny bit of the song here (click on the song title). Songs like that just reach right into my heart. I don't even know what I mean by "songs like that" though. Songs like WHAT?! Some songs just melt me the instant I hear them or sing them. My whole heart soars. I can walk in the door having been miiiiles from God for weeks, and we're not even in our chairs yet, and I'm holding Arthur who is bug-eyed with awe at the whole spectacle of a hall full of people and a band and amplified music! And even then my heart is already worshipping God, my mouth singing praise to him. I LOVE to worship God while I hold in my arms the precious child he blessed me with. I feel so... complete, somehow, worshipping with Arthur in my arms. Arthur doesn't mind me singing at the top of my voice in his ear, hehe! He goes quiet and just takes it all in.
When I read my old diary entries I was reminded of the song all over again because my story just speaks VOLUMES of God�s unfailing love. I read the entry about when God healed me and I had forgotten soooo much detail. I�m so glad I recorded it all. My heart just leapt for joy reading it again!! God has been so good to me. I owe him my all. I just noticed (bit of trivia here!) that I was healed on November 10th 2001. Exactly 3 years (less one day) before Arthur was born. Good things seem to happen to me around that time in November, don�t they?! :)
What letter am I on?... Oh yes!
g) It�s September. I know it was before now, but amazingly it�s the middle of the month ALREADY (how is this happening?!) and so we are approaching another anniversary of Cameron�s death (the 24th). This is the second September without him. I have been thinking about him a lot lately. The light and the air and the leaves on the trees are juuuust beginning to make subtle changes that make me feel like a shadow fell across me when I see them, but I can never put my finger on why I feel that way. Until I remember (hours later, like when I�m in bed) that it must be that time of year when I was absolutely swallowed up in grief once. It�s so strange how it keeps happening each September/October. Like an echo from the past. October will be worse. October brings even stronger seasonal changes that I associate with Cam�s death. October was the worst time two years ago, because it contained the rawest grief, the funeral, the frequent sitting-at-the-graveside-and-crying, and I did not know how I would live. Thinking about it, sometimes I feel amazed that I survived and I�m sitting here fairly matter-of-factly, saying, �Oh another year since Cameron died.� How weird that is. Anyway. It�s not a year quite yet so I�ll stop talking about it for now. Maybe I won�t even mention it again. It depends how it makes me feel in a few weeks.
But, h) I am also highly excited about autumn approaching!! It almost looks to have arrived here at the moment! The days are cooler already, and it has rained a TON lately. We have had thunderstorms every day for 3 days! :) I love thunderstorms and rain. Also thunderstorms + parsnips = Yeah Baby!! ;) But enough about parsnips already this entry! Hehe!
Although, i) I am DREADING flu season. Make that flu/cold/bug season. Urrrgh. I know Arthur has to catch a zillion things just to be �normal� as he becomes a toddler, and the autumn/winter is THE time to do so. I am scared silly of getting a stomach bug and throwing up. I tried not to think about it most of the year, but I guess it has to happen at some point. I have not thrown up since I was 18. April 1994. I�m amazed I can�t date it more accurately for you! It�s a big big big fear for me. But how can you NOT once you have children? Sooner or later they are going to catch some tummy lurgy and then bleeurrrgh, so will I. Arthur and I could never avoid sharing any bug because we share so much saliva all the time, haha! He is constantly chewing his fingers and then putting them all drooly into my mouth so that I�ll pretend to eat them off and make him giggle. And he gives me kisses (open mouth avec drool aplenty still) all the time. Which is LOVELY!! I love Arthur�s kisses. And when he�s not kissing me, I am kissing him!! I mostly kiss his sweet cheeks or his head and his soft hair, or his forehead, or his arms and fingers, or his feet and legs. Or his tummy. Or his back and neck. But sometimes his sweet mouth too. Heck, I just KISS the boy! :) He�s so edible and I love him so much, I can�t help myself! So yeah. We will share bugs for sure. Urrrgh. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it. Oh but that brings me smoothly to �
j) Arthur was sick yesterday! It was weird actually. He was cruising along the sofa, and Neil was sitting on it with a sofa cushion on his lap. Arthur grabbed the sofa cushion and happened to overbalance, and he pulled all his weight on the sofa cushion, I guess he was thinking that it was as sturdy as the rest of the sofa, or Daddy�s knees. But it fell with him, so he fell hard, sideways, onto the floor. It�s carpet, but he still hit it hard, and his head hit the TV remote which was on the floor. We couldn�t find a mark at all afterwards, but he was so shocked or something by the incident that he did that crying where they use every single molecule of their breath, and then go PURPLE not breathing in for like 20 years, all the while flailing their limbs about and making their torso stiff as a board. I hate seeing him like that. His eyes look so terrified when he does that, and I can�t make it better in time for him. I also remember crying like that when I hurt myself several times when I was very little, and the main thing I remember of it is that I just felt absolutely overwhelmed by my nerve-endings. Not so much pain as the inability to comprehend the intensity of the signals I was getting, if that makes sense. It made me feel scared and like I didn�t understand what was happening, and not even my mummy could make it better for that moment. I couldn�t even bear for her to touch me or hug me while it lasted. Arthur was the same. I picked him up and held him close, shhing and saying soothing things in his ear, and rocking him better while he did the flailing thing, and then he regained his breath and his body went limp again, but right after that he just started throwing up everywhere. I really don�t understand why he did that. It took him a while to calm down because he was gaspy and pukey and then I could still feel his stomach heaving, although he stopped actually being sick. Weird. I was AMAZED how calm I felt though, aside from the initial slap of sick (nice!). Both of us were covered, and the floor too, but everything seemed calm to me because all I could think about was being calm for Arthur and making everything better like a good mummy. And I did. Neil was still freaking out 5 minutes later, and having huge guilt trips about the fact that Arthur was cruising on him when he fell. He was worried that Arthur was badly hurt, but by then Arthur was sitting on the carpet wearing just his nappy, crawling from toy to toy and merrily banging two cups together and babbling his loudest and most cheerful babble! So I knew he was fine.
After that, k) we went to visit my brother and his Sarah. I figured it would do us all good to get out of the house, and I knew they would LOVE to see us at the drop of a hat! Plus it�s Sarah�s birthday today, so we took a card. We had a lovely time, and we stayed an hour or so until after Arthur�s bedtime! He was in high spirits and crawled and cruised all over their flat. He banged a plastic bowl and chewed a wooden spoon that they got out for him, and he sat on Sarah�s lap and listened to half of �Green Eggs and Ham� (man, I love that book!), and then they lifted the lid on the piano (they are �housing� my dad�s old piano which he couldn�t take to France. It�s a GORGEOUS one and he has a baby grand now, so I�m HOPING he/they will let us �house� it (!!) when we move to a bigger house!) and stood Arthur on the piano stool. He has never really seen a piano before, and we all wondered what he would make of it. He LOVED it!!! He immediately bent himself over the keys and bashed them with both hands, black keys and white keys, and he went up the scale to the high notes too. He made a lot of noise! He only paused for like a second or two to look up at us and do a big smile showing all his teeth! Sometimes he was so focused on the keys that he had his tongue out the side of his mouth with the concentration, it was soooo sweet! We just watched him and laughed and enjoyed his eagerness! In the end we had to take him away from it, because he showed no signs of stopping, and they have neighbours through the wall who just flew back from Canada the night before!
I am really happy that he had such fun making �music�. I feel sure he will be very musical. He has two musical parents, four very musical grandparents (and Neil�s mum is a piano and singing teacher, and my dad a composer/pianist by profession), and every single member of his close and extended family plays at least one instrument, so I think he might have the potential to be exceptionally musical. Or at least to really enjoy music. Which I promise NOT to exploit! I want him to find his own pleasures in life. I don�t want to be ramming piano lessons down his throat at age 3!! He might not even play any instruments. But that would surprise me. I can�t wait to have a piano in the family home. That�s how Neil started piano, because he just had one in the house and started tinkering for the fun of it. I guess I did too, but my parents started me on lessons when I was six, as more of a thing for my brain to do than something I was eager for. Hence I refused to practise and eventually quit till I was 12 or 13. I love playing the piano, but I am so sad that I didn�t practise more when I was younger. I passed my grades up to grade 5 but then stopped lessons when I left school. Pfthth. I wish I had carried on. I will be so happy to have a piano around for ME to play, let alone Arthur and Neil!! Neil plays piano. I think he has grade 8. Or 7. Or something. He also plays violin and viola, neither of which he has touched for years. He was pretty good at those though. He played them in an orchestra over his school and college years. He is the only one in his family who doesn�t play a wind instrument. His brother plays clarinet and saxophone. Rosemary (his sister) plays clarinet and flute and bassoon. Although his little sister plays piano and violin, so he�s NOT the only non-windy person then. I played the violin at school for a while, and clarinet for a short while later on. My dad plays clarinet very well and he taught me on his own instrument. He plays the saxophone too. Mummy plays the violin and the piano. My brother plays the bass guitar (sooooo well, I am a proud big sister!!) and a couple of other types of guitar and the double bass. All these instruments!! I am so proud to be part of such a musical family. My favourite instrument to �play� is my voice. I LOVE to sing. I could do nothing else but sing. My voice is crap and rusty though. But I love to use it. At school it was nice and I sang a lot of solos at the Christmas concerts, etc, but blah, I guess I let it sit and vegetate too long. I sing to Arthur every day though :) He has no choice in the matter, hehe!
Oh my goodness, it is 12.39am!!!!!!!!!! I�m so bad. I am going to bed right now. Will update again soon!
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