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2007-07-09 - 3.30pm previous entry next entry
Not a fun entry...
This really isn�t what I wanted to write about on the next occasion I had time/energy to update my diary here! But I was updating my pregnancy diary and writing about how exhausted I have been feeling this week, and then I went off on a huge waffle about an argument that Neil and I had. And the more I wrote (and it was good to write it), the more I really didn�t think it belonged in my pregnancy diary. So I decided to copy and paste it here. I just wanted to get it off my chest, and it raised a lot of thoughts and feelings for me, so I felt better writing them down.
I am just pregnantly exhausted out of my brains this week, and still morning sick as before. It has been hard to manage the boys sometimes this week. I wrote more about that stuff in this entry at my pregnancy diary, if you are really riveted enough (!) for more of a background.
Thursday was a difficult day. My mood was horribly PMS-y and I felt tearful and overwhelmed easily, and was horrible to the boys at times :( They are sometimes more tantrummy than usual (Matthew is starting to be more toddler-ish in his moods lately too!) � I guess because they are not getting the activity or stimulation (or outings) that they are used to, and also I am not dealing with their frustrations very well sometimes. Occasionally I have to deal with issues that they�re having from the sofa, and that does not work for very long. Their frustration makes me frustrated, because I can�t seem to DO anything for them when I feel so sick and exhausted. It�s really the exhaustion that is the problem this week, though the nausea is the same as ever.
Neil came home on Thursday evening to find me completely at the end of my rope, emotionally, physically, etc. And he reminded me (I�d forgotten) that he had Friday and Monday off work to do stuff to the house � very urgent since he starts a new job in a different part of the country in 2 weeks, and we NEED to get the house on the market so we can sell and move to where his job is!! But I just felt so completely incapable of another day with the little ones, especially with him around the house but still needing to do my normal, lately �impossible� day with the boys. It felt completely overwhelming and I said I couldn�t do it. Anyway, naturally it�s a waste of his time off if he doesn�t use it for important stuff like the house, but of course now it�s Monday and NOTHING has happened to the house. Not a thing. I have just felt positively ILL with exhaustion. I do have a bit of a sore throat these last couple of days so maybe I�m fighting something viral on top, and that is what the exhaustion is about? I don�t know. Matthew had a TINY cold, but that was earlier last week and everybody�s fine.
Anyway we had a big argument about the whole thing on Saturday (I know I�m late writing about it, I would have at the time but I didn�t get chance), which ended up with me crying hormonally for ages, and absolutely no mention of it after that. *sigh* So, no resolution. And I hate when we argue and I cry (which I rarely do anyway), and Neil doesn�t even follow up on the fact that I was that upset, but just acts like it didn�t happen once I�ve re-appeared somewhat pulled-together and mopped up. I also hate how if it�s not resolved or talked through, it WILL come back to bite us in the bum when we next argue about the same kind of issue. Tsk. Which we will. It�s a recurrent argument for us, apparently. It�s all about how I need more help than is normal, blah blah blah, and I can�t possibly expect him to help with ALLLL that I need - of course not, he�s only one man, with his own stuff to deal with, which is why I keep suggesting/begging for other types of help during difficult times � anyone remember this being a PLAN for when I next got pregnant? Tsk. Seems Neil has selective memory over these things. And he can�t believe I want more kids after this when I seem to need help all the time with the ones I�ve got. And apparently it�s not just when I�m pregnant � every time Neil gets time off work, I seem to want him to give ME some time off with the kids. These were his irritable complaints, but my worry is that he�s RIGHT, and that makes me think:
a) I�m horribly selfish, and what on earth shall I do about that?
b) I�m inadequate to the task of bringing up small children.
c) I should accept that I am not up to being a mother of many, and rethink my desire to have lots of children.
d) He totally does not understand my needs.
That is how it makes me feel. If he�s right, then I�m in trouble. If I really AM that selfish and unreasonable, then I HAVE to change. Have to. But I don�t know how.
But the main thing is the whole blow to my confidence over my ability to do the mothering thing. Other people DO manage without help, and without nearly so much help from their husbands. LOTS of other mothers do it. I DO want him to give me a break when he has time off work. EVERY time. I guess because I NEVER get time off from my job, and I need it just as desperately � actually, perhaps it�s selfish of me, but I think MORE so than Neil needs time off from his job. If Neil didn�t really do much at all in the way of bringing up the kids, then I would feel justified in insisting he gave me time out whenever he got chance. But he DOES help out so so so much. So I feel selfish, and probably AM selfish. But I still feel such a desperate need for a proper break � just time to myself, time to rest my body and catch up on sleep, time to have more than a straight hour of quiet in daylight hours where I do not have to feel slightly tense that at any given moment, somebody small might cry, yell, or call for me to do something for them. I still breastfeed both the boys on demand, pretty much, and that is a big thing to still be doing. I don�t want time off from that. I am happy to still be here to do the breastfeeding and settling-to-sleep and stuff. But sometimes I just don�t want to sit around while the boys play when I could be in my own space, if Neil is here to watch them too. The odd bit here or there, or evenings while they are asleep do not seem to count as real FREE time. They don�t feel the same as when I am given the gift of some genuine time out during the day. I get LOTS of bits of time, especially at the weekends, but I long for actual time out from my �work�. It�s so demanding and I need to be refreshed if I have a demanding job. I LOVE my job! But I still need proper breaks. Anyway. There is no chance for such things, since we have no family around and no friends who can really take the boys for us � they wouldn�t even be happy with such an arrangement since they have never been without us before anyway, and it�s not even something I WANT to do. But yeah, it leaves me under pressure sometimes. The ONLY chance for me to take a break is when Neil is home. He�s home at weekends, which I feel kind of guilty just �going on strike� (!!) for, the instant he�s off work! So we do weekends together, except I get more chances to rest and sleep in the morning and he takes the boys out before lunch so there is a window of quiet in the day which is lovely! He has taken them to the park right now, hence why I�m updating! :)
Weekends seem to only last seconds, and then it�s Monday again. Occasionally he takes a day off work, always for something �important� which is never me. I feel selfish writing that, but there we go. On those days, I just have this urge to GRAB the opportunity for some time out. It�s the only chance I will get. So this long weekend that he took, after a really difficult week, I grabbed with both hands and said I didn�t think it was realistic that he would get stuff done to the house, because I really needed some help with the kids and thought I would probably be feeling too exhausted/sick to cope with looking after them while he was around. I even hoped that he might give me some time out from looking after them. He agreed to Friday, which was very reasonable, but it has just turned out that nothing was planned with the house and it has ended up with nothing being done, and Neil helping out a LOT with the boys, and me resting more. Hence the argument.
He is right in saying that the house stuff is SO important right now. It�s a priority and we are simply not going to get it done if I don�t let him DO it when he is off work with a chance to do some stuff. He�s right, of course. But it does slightly (okay, a lot) bug me, because when we first looked at what needed doing when he first got the job, I tried to be as blunt and plain as I possibly could in the way I said to him that we would not be capable of doing it ourselves. I even said I didn�t think we could do ANY of it ourselves. I could see clearly that we have too much on our plates to do the things that need doing to the house, even the cleaning and tidying. I am being realistic � We. Just. Can�t. Do it! It frustrates me that he just can�t see things like this, expects the impossible and then needs it oh-so-carefully explaining to him, a million times over. And still forgets I even said it after a few days, every time. Drives me crazy. But anyway. I knew that I would be hard pressed to even keep up with the little ones while I was pregnant, especially in the first trimester (when we will hopefully be doing all the moving-related stuff!). I knew that I would need Neil�s help because of that, pretty much whenever he was around. So I told him we would have too much to deal with, and that we HAD to get help. I don�t know what it is with getting help that makes him procrastinate, hesitate, and just turn all forgetful. He DOES agree and intend to sort the help out, but somehow never does and then it turns out that actually he had this whole pride issue (he HATES when I call it that) over the need to do it ourselves, without help from anyone else. Even when we can�t darn well do it! Tsk. Anyway, he hasn�t admitted that bit yet, this time. But he�s procrastinating as usual, even when he said he would get it sorted. We need to say YES to all the help that has been kindly offered, ask family to help where they can, ask people at church to help, pay to get a regular cleaner (we desperately need this anyway at the moment), and pay to get someone to finish ALLLL the various DIY/decorating jobs around the house. And maybe get an electrician for all the things that aren�t working properly in the electrical dept here! And somebody to make the garden a bit nicer for prospective buyers. He said, �Oh, good idea!� when I told him that�s what was needed, before.
When we had our argument, I said that I TOLD him I needed some help, and that I wouldn�t be able to manage well while I was feeling horrible in early pregnancy. I needed his help at pretty much every opportunity, and he already knew from previous discussions that neither of us can spare any time/energy on the house ourselves right now. We HAVE to get help to do it, because it is stretching us too thin to attempt it ourselves. He said, �Oh, and where are we supposed to get the money to do that?!� all irritably. Urgh. That�s not what he said before. Obviously it costs money, and we don�t have any to spare, but it�s SO important that we get this stuff sorted, so we have to find it from somewhere. There should definitely be ways to afford it temporarily. Anyway, it SO bugs me that this was his argument after we�d discussed it before with no such issue. I was all angry when he said that, and told him, �I don�t know! I don�t CARE! We just need to find it � it�s too much of a priority!� So then of course he singled out the �I don�t care� bit, and said, �Of course you don�t care. You don�t care about anything.� And then the classic stinger from Neil to end an argument � ALWAYS to do with my longing to have more children � �And you want to have a million kids...� (rolls eyes as though he can�t believe I�m that stupid). I was SO angry and upset that at that instant in time, I did not want to be married to him a second longer! Urrrgh! I cried and went upstairs, and that was the end of that.
BUT, if I am being unreasonable about always seeming to need help with the boys (which I could well be, and my purpose in writing it all here is NOT to fish for reassurance on the matter), then that leaves me with a huge new fear � that I am therefore falling short of what I should be able to achieve � looking after my kids. And even more so, DEFINITELY not the right sort of person to have lots of them. Which makes me soooo sad, because I so very much want to have lots of children. I then start to question whether my reasons (whatever they are!) are �okay� for having lots of kids. Maybe I�m wrong in that too? I really think I can do it though, to bring up lots of children. But I�m NOT doing it well right now with just the two tiny ones I�ve got, and I don�t know why, or how I can ever get better at it. And if I can�t, or it�s not likely that I will while I�m still having babies and thus tired like this, then I shouldn�t have any more because it�s not fair on the ones I�ve got. Or my husband. Or myself. What made me the most upset after the argument was trying to get myself to accept the idea of this being my last pregnancy. Or maybe the next one, I don�t know. Neil says I seem to need help all the time, even when I�m NOT pregnant.
Sometimes I feel angry at his attitude there, and think, for goodness sakes � I am pregnant, with genuine reason for exhaustion, horrible nausea, and irrationality! On top of which, I have two children. Not one, but two. Okay, so �only� two � some mothers have more! But still. I have two other children. Now, they are not at school, nursery, playgroup, anything. They are not aged �helpful 6� or �potty-trained 3�. They are aged TWO, and ONE. I know it has been my own choice, and it�s NOT my choices I am complaining about, but they are both still full-time in cloth nappies and both still breastfeeding aplenty. I do not regret my choices, even though I know we did not make life exactly easy on ourselves to have kids very close together and not push the potty-training yet, and do the demand nursing until our children choose to wean. There are FAR too many joys and benefits in the continuation of those things (for me), to want to change them, though if I could blink and things were different, of course it would make life easier. I don�t mean to complain about them, just rather to point out that I have a LOT on my plate alongside the normal difficulties of early pregnancy. So many of my friends have their mums to hand when they really need help with their kids. Even if their mums are not down the road, they still live like, in the country - well, you know, close enough so that in a pinch, they could come and help. Or be visited with kids in tow for a few days! Sometimes I think just the knowledge that Mummy was THERE would be reassurance enough, but she�s a long way off and it�s too expensive for her to come more than a couple of times a year. And then it�s not for me specifically, unless it�s one of the occasions that I�m about to give birth! ;) They have all the rest of the family to see on their short visit, too. So I don�t have my parents to help. At all. Nor Neil�s family. So, nobody. Now, again, I�m sure other mothers manage all the time with the same circumstances. But I don�t think it�s unreasonable of me to NOT manage so well at the moment. Or to have to keep on saying that I need some help. I don�t think that should mean I�m not doing a good enough job, or that I shouldn�t have more kids because I�m clearly not up to the task. It makes me angry. But the rest of me isn�t so confident and thinks that Neil�s annoyed outburst is spot on.
The other thing it makes me question is home schooling. We haven�t decided yet about our kids� education. We are interested in home schooling, and I am eager to do it. I think I can, and I think the kids will thrive that way. I�m in NO hurry for them to attend school. I personally think school is WAY over-rated! ;) But anyway, after this argument, I do wonder whether I will ever actually have the option of home schooling � whether I will ever be capable of it in the first place.
Again, there are mothers out there home schooling their kids with great success all round, with toddlers at home, whilst morning sick, with a newborn, etc. So I�m SURE there are ways to manage it! But I wonder if it�s just that I don�t know how on earth they do it. Or that I have an idea but have no concept of how to implement it. Or that I am incapable of implementing it, and thus never going to be able to home school, especially if I�m going to keep having babies. Neil had a go at that idea as well, based on the �having more babies/not managing with what I�ve got� thing. He is the nicest, sweetest, kindest, most sensitive man, but gosh I SO dislike him when he turns into someone else during these arguments and says things that he KNOWS will hurt me or injure my confidence in something very important to me. I get so angry that I actually feel I HATE him at those moments. I never say that. It would be pointless, childish and stupid, and it�s not actually true in the least. But I feel it, at the time.
Anyway. He did say later that day, with a sort of awkward half-smile, that we would have to talk about �stuff� later. I said, �Yes.� And that was it. We didn�t talk about it again, and to be honest I don�t WANT to. I DO want an opportunity for him to actually understand what I�m telling him and see my point of view. But I guess that�s what he is thinking for ME (that I don�t get it and need to understand HIS point of view), and I�m pretty sure that�s not what would happen when it came to it. It�s WAY less healthy not to talk it through and come to some resolution over it. But I can�t be bothered. I feel like it will just mean that we argue about it again, and honestly? I don�t care to repeat the hormonal sob-fest because it was painful and exhausting, and I�m in no hurry to do it again. I think I would if we just argued all over again, so I�d rather not go back into that discussion. But I know we need to. Otherwise the next one like it will just have double �fuel� from this one not being resolved.
Ack, it�s probably no big deal anyway. We sometimes argue. We still love each other. Life goes on. We aren�t being bitter or funny around each other at all today (or yesterday for that matter). I feel hurt still over some stuff, but there�s more to �Me and Neil� than issues in an argument.
They just got home so I need to go now. I will be WAY more upbeat another time, I promise! And there will be news of boys (happy stuff!), and photos, so yay! I just needed to get this one off my chest.
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