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2005-06-25 - 9.50pm previous entry next entry
Flylady ROCKS!!!! :)
I am sooooooo tired. Too tired to update but I wanted to check in anyway. I have a chest infection. Blah. I KNEW my chest wasn't right, I told Neil so but he said it was probably nothing. Anyway, I have antibiotics to take for 5 days, and I am on day 3. So far I am not bothered by them and Arthur seems fine too. I am taking multi-billion dophilis bacteria twice a day though.
I got my period a couple of days ago too, and it's a good old fashioned nasty one, so I'm extra super uber tired, and crampy and that. But happy :) My luteal phase lengthened to seven days!!! Seven!! I did not expect that much of an improvement so I'm thrilled and relieved! The last two cycles have been four day luteal phases - yikes! My temps were weird but at least I did ovulate and had good fertile signs, and a better luteal phase. And a normal period. So that's a good thing.
Hopefully once the period and the chest infection clear up, I am going to feel a LOT better in myself.
I just want to say that I love Kat. Love her. So much! Thank you Kat for taking the time to respond to my desperation about the house and my inability to fix it, and leave me that helpful link to Flylady. I can't tell you how much it has meant to me, and I don't think I would ever have found Flylady otherwise. I spent hours reading her website and cried with relief to read her words, because FINALLY somebody understands that I am not just a slob who is in bad habits about cleaning, but someone who just cannot seem to organise her home or her life, and has always been this way. Also she understands that I have always carried so much guilt over it. It's crazy. It's like her descriptions of Sidetracked Home Executives (SHEs) are ME!!! I am a SHE :) I joined up instantly, and I'm now on day 4 of FLYing, and I also joined the SHE forums which I also read in tears because of how there are hundreds of women JUST EXACTLY LIKE ME with the same struggles and feelings about their homes and lives and families.
It sounds like I am making a bigger deal of this than it is, but I wish I could tell you how much of a difference just 4 days is making to me. I get motivational emails every day from Flylady. They bless my heart and make me smile. She always says, "I am so proud of you!" and my eyes fill up. Maybe I needed to have someone build me up with words like this? Or maybe it's more to do with the fact that I really have struggled with organisation sooo much my whole life that I have had long periods of depression and self-loathing over it, and finally someone tells me I am not alone, I am not just a slob, there are lots of women out there with the same issues, I CAN change, and they believe in me. And what is more, they are proud of me for asking for help and working on changing it! I feel so much happier and more confident than I have in ages. I never knew what it was like to feel confident that I could be a "real" housewife. I have always had this secret fear/dread/shame that I will never make a good home-maker. It's all I've ever wanted to do, and yet I can't seem to do it. How hard can it be anyway? But I have always found it impossible. My whole life I have been in trouble for untidiness or disorganisation, both at home and at school. People tried all sorts to get me organised and tidy. I got punished, and I got "motivated", and I had reward systems, and good examples, etc, etc. In the end I just got people giving up and they pretty much all ended up trying to shame it out of me. You know, sometimes I tried so hard to get organised and tidy my room and stuff. It would always work wonderfully for maybe a week or a month if I tried extra hard, but I could never keep it up. I just figured I'm lazy and disorganised and just don't work hard enough like everyone else does. There's something wrong with me and I should be ashamed. Especially since I got married and became a wife at home after my illness - because I should be making my husband's home a relaxing one to be in, and fix him good meals after a hard day. I still feel ashamed that I didn't. Motherhood made me feel anxious and ashamed before it even HAPPENED because I was already thinking ahead to how I couldn't make a nice home for my children. Just lately, about a month ago, I lay awake many hours worrying that perhaps I would have to give up my dream of having a large family, because I had noticed that mothers who do tend to be organised people. I did not want to let my children down by having a ton of them and then bringing them up in a chaotic way so that they did not benefit from a sense of order or a relaxing home or a mother who was doing a good job in the home. I even decided that I would only want what was best for my children, therefore I would see if I was any more able to keep house and organise myself after we had 2 children, and if not, I would have to consider not having any more. I felt heartbroken at the idea, but this is how big a deal the whole thing is to me. It's the best way I can get it across to you, to give you this example. My whole life it has been such a major issue with my self-esteem.
So that is why I love Kat! :) I had no idea Flylady (or anything like her/it) existed. I am following her "baby steps" plan for new Flybabies, and reading messages at the SHE forums (too chicken to post just yet!), and so far I have got myself dressed to my shoes first thing every morning for 3 days, made the beds right after that, and then cleaned my kitchen sink till it shone!! My sink shines! My heart sings! I even shone the bathroom sink because it felt so good to have a shiny sink and not have to feel like I have to clean the rest of the whole house to do the job right. There is no pressure on me, others like me are out there doing the same thing, and I have every reason to be PROUD of myself! Any normal person can shine their sink and tidy their home and it's no biggie. For me, it is. I am not like other people. I am a Sidetracked Home Executive! And proud to be, now that I see there is no reason to be ashamed, and I can change :) The relief, years and years pressing down on me, is immense. My sink is shiny. I feel confident about the future and my abilities in being a good housewife and a great organised mother of a brood of children! I feel happier about this than I ever have.
I did my first Hot Spot Fire Drill today!!! I cleaned out a "hot spot" (place that gathers clutter like an end table or something) in a 2-minute Fire Drill (at a run!) this morning, and I could have danced for joy when I had finished. I am just so excited about cleaning, because Flylady makes it so much fun, and it's only ever a few minutes here and there - I am not allowed to do more :) I am getting a Flylady timer so I can set the timer for my cleaning sprees like Flylady suggests. I am just so happy to have found that website, and - can I say it enough?! - so grateful to Kat! Thank you!!!!
Okay, enough about Flylady and cleaning! But you can be sure I'll talk about it a lot from now on. Flylady says it takes 28 days for a SHE to make a habit (21 days for everyone else). She also says it may take months, maybe 6 months to a year to actually finish cleaning and tidying my home and make my new routines complete habits. That is so well tailored to someone like me. To SHEs! I have a morning routine (dress to my shoes, make beds, shine sink) and a before-bedtime routine (load dishwasher, lay out clothes for tomorrow, clean teeth) which I do with ease and excitement every day, and that is all I have to do for now. I do the Hot Spot Fire Drills and 15-minute declutter games like the 27-fling boogie (so much fun!!) now and then when an email arrives and tells me to drop what I'm doing and do one right NOW!! I love it. I know the novelty will wear off and I'll start to struggle soon, but that is where the forums come in, and the motivational emails from Flylady will help me there too. There is also a lot of stuff on her website for when we start to struggle, since she knows the kind of person I am, and that it doesn't come easy. I'm so glad. I'm so relieved. I'm going to have a clean home and maybe even be one of those housewives I've always envied, organised and wonderful in the kitchen, etc. It's going to be me. I just know it is! I'm so excited!
Okay, enough! ;)
We went to my grandparents' house today for lunch. Arthur was wonderful and cute and giggly and interested in everything. He is at such a delightful age. Everybody loves him, and he is so much fun! He did not nap though - everything was too interesting. He got about 20 minutes in his travel cot, but he couldn't go back to sleep and he was just so tired. I drove home as Neil had wine with lunch (I did too, but only like a THIRD of a glassful!), and Arthur fell asleep when we were nearly home, so I just turned around and drove and drove till 30 minutes had passed, and then we came home. He went to bed at 6.15 tonight. He was crying and rubbing his face constantly from 6pm, poor little boy. He was so exhausted.
He says mama all the time. All the time. It's so delightful! Yesterday he said "dada" as Neil approached him with a nappy, and today Neil was watching Wimbledon on the TV at G & G's, and Arthur was in my arms, leeeeaning and leaning towards Neil with outstretched arms, and finally he said, "Dada!" and Neil turned round :) His "dada" isn't as clear as mama yet though. I love that he is calling us by name! I don't know why but I thought that would be a long way off yet. He seems so tiny to be standing on his leggies and yelling our names when we aren't watching him! ;)
Talking of which, here he is a couple of days ago, wearing just a fuzzi in the too-hot weather:
Isn't he clever?! Look at his lil stumpy leggies! He is built exactly like me. *sigh* He isn't quite that proficient at standing yet. He toppled over a few seconds after this photo was taken, but I can let go now if he is holding onto something. He prefers to just hold my hands rather than have me hold him under the arms now. He's always trying to shake my hands off him, hehe! The thing is, then he tries to let go of one of my hands, and he just can't balance yet with one hand. He's keen though! He can go from standing to sitting very neatly now, and I am beginning to be familiar with the little impatient movements he makes when he is sitting and wanting to stand up. I just offer him both my hands (held open in front of his body) and he takes them in both his hands, and I see his leg muscles working, and give a little pull and up he comes! He is really good at making the right moves to go from sitting to standing and standing to sitting, but he hasn't got the balance or muscle strength down yet. He'll get there quickly though, I'm sure, because he's constantly wanting to practise!
It has been so hot all week. Finally today (Saturday) it is cooler. So cool in fact, that I was actually chilly outside!!! Yay! And the sun did not shine for even a minute today. It is a nice respite, but horribly grey and dull. The humidity built up all week till Thursday was just unbearable. On Friday it got more breezy. Friday was a great day! I had my period and was managing well :) I had a shiny sink and a renewed spirit! Arthur took two naps - 9.30-11.15am and 2-3pm, no resettling for either of them! We went out for a walk after his morning nap, and had a nice breezy not-so-hot time in a small park near our home. Arthur was cheerful and babbled happily, and he looked cute! It was still pretty hot so he wore his fluffy nappy and a T-shirt! I love that nappy! Here he is at the park:
After his afternoon nap we played and giggled, and then we went to the supermarket and did all the food shopping. I even bought cleaning supplies!! How fun that was!!! :) I bought a washing-up tub that was supposed to be for Arthur to have water play in, but it's soooo tiny and they didn't make any bigger ones. He'll never fit in it, but he can sit in front of it and have some watery fun. I am sewing him a waterproof place to play or be naked in the hot weather. I'm putting a couple of my homebirth supplies to good use! I am sewing a cheap shower curtain (I bought 5 for the homebirth) to an old double duvet cover (given to us for the homebirth), and cutting off the excess, turning and topstitching, and voila, a clean, comfortable, waterproof blankie that won't feel too hot and sticky to lie on, and which will be big enough to cover the whole floor! Arthur can pee on that to his heart's content! Or have indoor water play even. I have nearly finished it, but Arthur got fed up that I was sewing and not playing!
When we got home from the shopping, I put the groceries away, ran Arthur's bath, Neil arrived home and bathed with him, we made Arthur laugh like I have NEVER heard him laugh before (Neil was clapping at a fly over the bed, and Arthur was literally laughing till he had to gasp for breath!), and then he went to sleep at around 7pm and slept till 11.30pm. Blissful day! I said to Neil in the evening that if every day was that straightforward, in terms of Arthur napping well and being well-rested, and me having a routine and feeling confident in myself, then being a SAHM to a little baby would be a BREEZE. Bliss. Just what I have always wanted to do. And it still IS, but it has been hard so far. I hope that things are settling down for us. Friday was so lovely!
Arthur's night sleep isn't the greatest at the moment. He is waking every couple of hours again at the moment, so not as bad as it has been, but not as great as it could be either. The problem is that he cries like his heart is breaking if I don't nurse him. I can't bear to let him cry like that, and I will always nurse him if that is what he wants. But I am tired. I don't know why he's doing this again suddenly, but maybe it's the heat, or a growth spurt, or a phase of needing extra comfort from mummy? I don't know. I don't care either. I just want to bless him and love him, day and night. He is blessed and comforted at my breasts, so I will nurse him as much as he wants me to. I hope he does settle back again soon though!
We finally got our child benefit through! Yay! I can't believe how much money we lost by being so disorganised and claiming 4 MONTHS after he was born!!! Oh well. But we get regular payments from now on, which will help the old bank situation! And Arthur got a letter in the post today, saying he is due for his first routine hearing test next month! I can't believe he will be 8 months old!!! I say this every month, don't I?! He is 7 and a half months old already. At 8 months old, his next health visitor check is due, and the next check with the doctor too. It's written in his red health record book - 8 months! I remember looking at that page and thinking how I could NOT believe he would be that old! And here we are! I have no worries about his hearing. Babycentre says that babies with hearing problems tend to stop babbling from about 6 months old. Arthur babbles non-stop. And says Mama and Dada!! He can definitely hear :) It's the wait for the sight checks that is making me antsy. It is so long to wait before I can find out if he is colour blind. My brother is colour blind - my mum is the carrier. I have a 50/50 chance of being a carrier too, and if I am, any of my sons could be colour blind. I hope Arthur isn't. But he really could be. Hmmm.
Well I can't think what else I meant to write now. Thank you Mo, Kat, Jemma and Robbi for congratulating us on Arthur's first word!!!! I really appreciate your messages, as it was a big deal to me, and a huge milestone for Arthur too! I never really thought about it like that at first - his FIRST WORD!! I was so excited to realise it like that! :) My baby boy is growing up too fast! Thanks for being excited for us!
Okay I am going to eat some ice-cream and do my before-bedtime routine! I am so excited!! I'm going to load the dishwasher and rejoice at my clean sink! I cleaned it twice yesterday, once with bleach! It never looked so clean! And I have noooo guilt about the rest of the kitchen being so yucky. I will get there. I am proud of me too :)
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