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2008-02-21 - 2.30am previous entry next entry
Difficult boys, but happy mama! :)
It's 2.30am! I'm nuts, writing a diary entry at 2.30am when I should be sleeping. But Nathan is about to wake for a feed (it has been about 2 hours since his last one and it's unusual for him to go much longer than that at the moment), so I might as well start a diary entry while I'm here! Not much to type though, unfortunately, because I am sure to have very few fingers available to type with in a matter of minutes! I reeeeeeeally want/NEED to write about a ton of stuff that is going through my mind. But I don't think tonight is the right time, because it's late, and I won't be able to type much. It will drive me crazy to start on it and then not be able to write much after just a couple of minutes!
I wanted to write about (in BRIEF!!):
* Matthew's talking, or lack thereof. I think he's about to take off in that department, but hmmm, Babycentre told me that my 20-month-old (he's 20 months!!! Can you believe it?!) now has a vocabulary of about 200 words (um, no), and between the age of 18 and 20 months has been learning 10 words a day! I want to write in more detail about which words Matthew DOES say and how he pronounces stuff and all the usual kind of thing that I write here like that! But no time. Nathan is in the Moses basket near me and he's stirring already (and thus farting, haha!), so I know he'll be up and ready to nurse in a minute. I haven't even got a vague idea of how MANY words Matthew says, just that it's not many. Most of the ones he does say are only understandable to us, but that's okay. He'll catch up. Arthur said only a handful of words I think, and then SUDDENLY had a word explosion and was talking in sentences a couple of months later (if memory serves, which, quite honestly, it does not do so well these days!). He had already done that by Matthew's age though. Matthew will get there I think.
I think it will be soon. He has had 3 nights on the trot where he's woken inexplicably and stayed awake for HOURS in the middle of the night, apparently unable to sleep. He hasn't done that for soooo long, and when he DID used to do that from time to time, it was always RIGHT before a new skill emerged. Usually a motor skill, like crawling or walking or rolling over, but not always. So I can't figure out any motor skills that he has yet to master (!). I wonder if it's talking that's about to happen? He DID start saying 3 new things just yesterday, and it's a reeally unusual thing to note the exact day that a new word is said by Matthew, let alone THREE! So maybe he is about to accelerate on the talking thing?
His new words were "Um-ma" (that's me, by the way :) His version of "mama"), "Ni-ni" or "Ni-nay" - that's Nathan!! I'm so excited about these first two!! And the third that day was "crane" pronounced very clearly (well, maybe a bit more like "gwane"!), about a picture of a crane in a story book!
Matthew is such a joy. I love him so much! He's always laughing or smiling, and it's always because he's being cheeky and mischievous and loving it! I love the sparkle in his eye. He is kind and sweet and gentle with his baby brother. Today he did have his first couple of not-so-good moments with Nathan though. Nathan was on the floor to have a nappy change, and I turned my back and Matthew hit him in the face with a toy car :( Nathan cried so hard. I wanted to throw Matthew out of the window! I get so fiercely protective towards my tiniest baby each time I have a new one. I can't help it. But I tried to be calm and handle him sensitively. He did get disciplined though.
And the other time, Matthew was being a bit whingey and he asked for milky (to nurse). I was nursing Nathan at the time, and Neil had almost served up dinner, so it was not the time to offer him the breast. I said he could have milky after dinner, when we went up for bedtime. He understands EVERYTHING by the way. He got cross and cried, and asked again (he says, "deh-dah" to ask, just to note here. "Deh-dah" is "breasty" which is what the boys call my breasts for some reason! I seem to recall Arthur pronounced it surprisingly similarly when he was younger). Anyway I said no, and he instantly got an angry expression and hit Nathan in the head as he nursed! *sigh*
Nathan's stirring again, still hasn't woken properly though, so I'll carry on.
Another thing I keep wanting to write about (especially when it's right in my face at the time!) is how.... difficult Arthur is being. I tell you, if I was writing an entry to vent about it at the time of frustration about it (as opposed to now, when I'm relatively removed from it, since he's been in bed asleep for 7 hours now!), I would be using words like "horrible" to describe him - things I sometimes read in other mummy blogs, but always felt I could never bear to use that kind of word to describe my own child, no matter how much I felt it to be true! It just doesn't feel right to use that kind of label out there in public about your own child. But I would have.
I fully understand his issues, really I do. We have a new baby. He is three. That explains it all, in a nutshell! But yeah, it's harrrd work with Arthur right now. And yet he can also be a complete sweetie and just normal "Arthur". The rest of the time he is really horrible, or certainly CAN be, and I LOVE him to bits and pieces but at the worst of these times I am finding it hard to like him, to like being around him, to WANT to be patient with him. He is so uncharacteristically (wow that's a long word, hehe!) aggressive, especially with Matthew. He head-butts, hits, kicks, pushes. Thankfully no biting. I couldn't stand him to bite! He is just frustrated with him messing his games up and stuff. And they get on wonderfully all the rest of the time, but there are just soooo many times during the day where they are aggressive with each other now, and they WILL. NOT. LISTEN. as we tell them to stop. We end up yelling to get their attention (a LOT these days, which I hate and it needs to change), and still they continue. We discipline them and they get it and eventually apologise and kiss better and all that stuff, but then they'll do it again 5 minutes later. It drives us crazy.
There's a ton of other stuff with Arthur right now, but no time to write about it. The way he is with us - I'm sure he's taking out any difficulties with Nathan's arrival on US instead of Nathan, and I'd MUCH prefer it that way. But it's hard. He's so RUDE and disrespectful, and laughs and mocks and sings rude and unkind songs if we hurt ourselves, etc. He shouts rudely over our talking. He goes out of his way to do stuff we don't want him doing - tearing a book, say, or dropping food on the floor when we just cleaned it. He won't come when asked, runs away when it's time to put shoes on/change nappy/have a bath, etc. He has started to be rude to people out and about, which is SO unlike him. He had to miss an outing for that, the next time we went out. I stayed at home with him while Neil took Matthew. He was really upset about it, but he totally GOT that it was due to his behaviour the previous time we took him out. He was very well behaved the next time!
He screams (I do mean scream) and cries as forcefully and exaggeratedly as he can for as LONG as he can carry it on, over tiny issues. The noise is enough to make me want to pull my skin off. He makes sure to make sudden loud noises when Matthew is trying to go down for his nap, and climbs and does all sorts of stuff that he KNOWS makes Matthew copy him, and which we have told them both NOT to do. The amount of time we are spending disciplining these kids is just staggering at the moment! It feels like we are doing little else some days, and that makes us think we're doing something wrong, or that it can't be right, etc. But at least we are being consistent.
Ugh.
It will pass though, right? I keep hearing that other people who have had 3-year-olds have had behaviour like this to deal with, even without a new baby, so it could be largely his age. He WAS like this before Nathan was born, but it's just got worse since.
He does seem to love Nathan though, and constantly asks to hold him. He throws a tantrum if I say he can't hold Nathan when he wants to (say if I'm about to nurse him, or it's bath time or Nathan's asleep in his cot, etc).
Thank God Neil is home still. I can't fathom managing the boys without him right now. I mean, seriously. I soooo hope things improve with them before Neil starts work again. Which, still no news on that front.
I am trusting God. I am starting to need to just repeat that out loud now, as things are getting a bit scary financially! I am trusting God. I am trusting God. He is faithful. He will not let us fall.
The other stuff I have been wanting to write about is regarding things to do with God. Mucho long-windedness is required and I don't have the time, even if Nathan were to stay asleep another 2 hours, hehe! I NEED to write about it in my diary, but I don't actually know how to tackle it. There are lots of parts to it. I don't know how to break them into manageable pieces!
If I bullet-point a few, maybe that'll serve to help me over the next few entries I write here? Or at least help me not forget what I meant to cover on the subject! And give an idea of what I am talking about.
Family. Babies. I need to link to a few blogs that are reeeeally challenging my thinking on some stuff. Neil and I are going to set aside some time soon to pray about it. We have decided we need to ask God how many children HE wants us to have. He might not tell us a number, but we need to pray about it. I don't think we should be calling the shots any more.
No time for more detail, but have been praying - Neil has too, about the same thing but on his own. And baby number four? When HE happens? I don't know how to explain it, but both of us just "know" from our own individual prayer times that baby number 4 will be a boy, and both of us feel that he will be a boy called Benjamin. It's an amazing feeling to think that I've just had Nathan, and yet already I know we are simply waiting for Benjamin! It feels wonderful! :) I started to talk to God about having a girl. I don't have a mega urge that I MUST have a daughter. But I asked God if he would give me a baby girl. And before the question was even finished on my lips, I KNEW the next baby was already Benjamin. I'll eat my hat if it's not, when it comes to it! ;) So, I paused at that realisation, and said, "Okay God, thank you for Benjamin! Now, if it pleases you to give me a baby girl after Benjamin...." :) I am praying for a girl for my fifth baby. I have noooo vibes about babies after Benjamin, but Benjamin feels like he's already as real as my children who are already born. It's something I can't describe properly here, and Neil feels exactly the same way. Today Neil came to me and said he had wondered about whether we might have twin girls after Benjamin! Weirdly, I vaguely daydreamed the same exact thing this morning while nursing Nathan :)
Okay, Nathan is waking properly now, I think. It's after 3am, ugh!
Ooh! It's my birthday!!!!! D'you know, this is the first year that I have really not thought much about my birthday approaching. I guess I am a bit busy right now! That's probably why. But I suddenly realised it was going to be my birthday, a few days ago, and it felt so weird to suddenly realise it, so close to the date. For me, anyway.
No plans for my birthday - well, the mother's group (Fellowship Group) at church is meeting at the park for a walk with their little ones, at 9.45am (sooooo early, I still need to sleep when Nathan lets me during the morning to catch up from the night!). I forgot it was my birthday when I said I'd go, but it doesn't really change anything. I still plan to go, but I'm not sure I'll be up to it with how late it is and how my sleep will probably be very broken once I get to have some - Nathan wakes to nurse very frequently still.
I'm 32!! Or I will be, at 11.25am :) I really thought I'd have a VERY new baby on my birthday, maybe less than a week old! But Nathan is nearly 6 weeks old already. He still FEELS very new. He's my favourite birthday present, then! My boys are just the best gift from God, ever. I'm so thrilled with them (hard work and all!)!
My sweet baby boy!!! I love him soooo! Thank you God for blessing me so very much this past year. I'm excited for another year of blessings to come! I'm happy to be 32. I'm always happy to be whatever age I'm arriving at each birthday. I love being even-numbered ages though, for some reason! It must be a leap year! D'uh, of course it is. I was born on a leap year so when my age is divisible by four, it's a leap year :) That's how I remember when they are, hehe! I love 32! I love the number. I'm excited to be this age! It feels like an age where life is really happening and it couldn't get more exciting than that! What a great age to beeee! :)
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