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2006-03-09 - 11.27am previous entry next entry
Crappy Mummy :(
Having a really really really bad morning :( Arthur is sleeping at a weird time for his nap and I need to offload/confess/something-or-other.
I think I hurt Arthur :( I have no excuses other than I am just a horrible mother. I know most of the time I am not a horrible mother but you can't use that as a make-it-all-better phrase if you hurt your child, can you.
Last night I had just about THE most crappy and painful night's sleep yet this pregnancy, and it wasn't Arthur's fault that I woke a million times and couldn't get comfy. He only woke once actually, around 3am, and then he was up for the day at 6.30. A pretty good night for Arthur.
Today I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired and have about this > < much patience. That's not Arthur's fault either. It hurts me to get up and down from sitting (in my pubic bone, which is suddenly shouting the joys of the third trimester) so much so that I just want to stay sitting as much as I can, especially just after getting up. Arthur uses his time to climb on furniture and switch the TV and stereo on and off and on and off and on and off, ad infinitum, and he opens and closes the freezer door, loads POOEY nappies into the washing machine from the nappy pail, climbs on his toy garage that will most definitely break pretty soon if he keeps doing it, bites everything in sight, etc, etc. These are all things I have told him 50 thousand times NOT to do, and he knows it. I know it's normal that he's testing me but when I feel like this I absolutely can't stand it. He doesn't even register me telling him not to do something, just carries on without even hesitating. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall, and it's more frustrating because I KNOW he understands me and hears me. Of course he leaves me no choice but to get up off my sore butt and physically remove him from the place where he's causing mischief. Then I sink breathlessly back down on said sore butt and about 0.3 seconds later, Arthur is doing another thing he shouldn't do, and after several, "Arthur, don't touch that please.... Arthur, Mummy said don't touch that! Arthur, no!" I have to get up and remove him again.
If I don't, then surely that is no good because it isn't consistent and I know I need to be consistent with teaching him what is acceptable and what isn't. Although lately I admit that there have been times when I simply have not had the energy to keep getting up and moving him away from stuff he shouldn't be getting into. I can't lock everything away or child-proof EVERYTHING he's into - we just don't have the space to relocate items or put him in a place that isn't closed off. Our house is too small. I would have to use a playpen or something and there is noooo way I want to do that. Arthur would hate it anyway.
He needs to learn to mind what Mummy says, but so far I am persevering and it totally isn't working.
Anyway. We had Fellowship Group this morning, which I always look forward to because it's just such a nice group of ladies with their little ones at one of their houses. It's such a shame it's only every other week. So we were running a bit late for Fellowship Group and I had to change Arthur's nappy because I could smell poo. Nappy time is getting to be a nightmare here. The instant that nappy was off, despite distractions that I'd arranged for him while I did it, he grabbed his bits (pooey) and when I tried to get his hands so I could clean them, he twisted and writhed and tossed his legs this way and that, just doing ANYTHING so that it would cause me maximum difficulty in getting his nappy off, bum cleaned and a new nappy on. He does this a lot but it's awful when he has done a poo. Of course I am constantly telling him to be still, listen to Mummy, don't do that, etc. But asking him these things just seems to make him more vigorous than ever in his movements and if I start to get angry and raise my voice (which I NEVER wanted to do) he laughs and laughs while he's wriggling. It. Drives. Me. Crazy. I usually get through it but today I just had no rope left at all. Sometimes if he's really wriggly I pin his legs down with my ankles (!) so that I can keep him in one position and hold his hands with one of mine, and clean his bum with the other hand. It's a palava but it gets it done. Arthur doesn't like it, but hey ho.
Today I went to do that same thing, because poo was going everywhere and Arthur was just being as difficult as he could be. But I was so angry that I pinned him down too hard. I think I wrenched his hips when I shoved his legs apart and onto the floor to put my ankles on them :( He was laughing at my annoyance at the time, and in an instant his face changed to a pain reaction and he cried and cried and barely breathed between crying :( He also stopped all his wriggling. I just let go of him like he was a hot coal. I felt terrified that I had hurt him. I cleaned him up as quick as I could, and picked him up without a nappy on to cuddle him. I felt so so so so terrible and so sorry that I had caused him pain.
How can you make that up to your little one, if you have purposely hurt them when they have never had that happen to them before? You can't. He cried for so long, even in my arms, and I cried too and told him over and over and over how sorry Mummy was for hurting him. But that doesn't work either. Saying sorry doesn't make it better. People who actually abuse their children often feel remorse and will try to make up for it afterwards, but they are still people who abuse their children.
I feel absolutely indescribable. Sure, I feel terribly sorry and I love Arthur beyond measure, but how is that different from parents who abuse their kids? I am just a terrible mother today. Not just, oh I'm so crap. I am a genuinely terrible mother today. I hurt my child, and it wasn't really an accident.
I cried for an hour and my face was too swollen to show its sorry state at Fellowship Group, so we couldn't go. Arthur recovered okay. He is walking and moving fine and playing happily with his toys. He is very tired at the end of his horrid cold, and in the end he seemed like he needed a nap way before nap time. It was the same yesterday and I made him wait till the usual time, which backfired big time, so I put him down early today and he has slept 40 minutes so far. So here I am to offload, and confess. I wish Neil or my mum had been available when I was upset and wanting to tell someone what I'd done, but they were both on voicemail :(
I feel just horrible. Nothing can erase what I did today and nothing can make it better, even if Arthur is a precious little love who trusts and loves his Mummy and is happy to forgive and forget within no time at all. How can I forgive myself for it? My instincts towards Arthur make me want to tear out my own insides and stamp on them. But that rather conflicts with self-preservation!
I don't know. Anyway. Arthur is waking up. I guess I'll post this and write a normal entry another time - hopefully soon. Arthur is 16 months old today and I wanted to write normal happy stuff about him. I just love him so much. Maybe that's not enough? I need some self-control. Maybe I even need help? I don't know. I am really weepy at the moment but maybe that's just hormones, or the weight of what I have done today. I need some chocolate. And Arthur is definitely waking up. My face has gone down enough so I think I will give him lunch and then we'll go food shopping. We need milk anyway. It will be weird to go out when he is normally napping. Maybe I can get him to take another nap later this afternoon? Otherwise I have just buggered up the day for him sleep-wise. Hmmm.... although if he has a late afternoon nap then he might not go to bed well at bedtime? He has gone quiet again.
I wish I could rewind today and start again.
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